^o^ Chocoholic ^o^

2002-10-11T03:40:00.001-07:00

Feeling: I am VERY confused about this right now. I SHOULD be feeling really happy, but I'm actually feeling really grouchy.
Listening to:Lain's Theme from SEL
Thinking of: What I should do to keep myself from getting bored today. *sighs*
Wishing for: SOMETHING TO DO!!
Chatting with: For some reason, I despise chatting these days. Its so pointless... so nobody.

Well, EXAMS OVER!! And I know I should be extremely happy and totally buoyant but its so weird... I'm not. Its not like I'm sad because exams ended... NO WAY!! Its just like I've been like this really grouchy, cranky, grumpy fart around everybody in the family today. And I can't understand why. Also, I'm sick of the Net because I have nothing to do! I mean uptill the exams ended, I knew what to do but now, its like I have so much free time and I don't know what to do with it. Its irritating. So, I've decided to just answer some tests if I can find them. ^.^

Okay *grins*, and the FIRST test I took didn't really give me a very flattering answer. But, what's wrong with being a royal pain? I mean, that doesn't bother me right? And anyways, its probably the mood I am in anyways. *grouch*

What? Is there something wrong with me today? I mean... I thought I'd fall into the super-villain category but obviously I don't have what it takes. *sticks her tongue out*

And Faith had all these quotes on everything and nothing and I really liked it, so I'm just going to jot some down.
It's been a rough day.. I put a shirt on and a button fell off. Picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
There is a thin, red line between eccentricity and insanity. That thin red line is a tiny pink dot to me.
Power corrupts, but absolute power is kinda neat.
9 out of 10 voices in my head agree that I'm sane.
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
I do whatever the voices tell me to. It depends on who yells the loudest.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder.
National Schizophrenic's Convention: Anybody who's everybody will be there!
Criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
I feel that there is an angel inside me whom I am constantly shocking.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Oh and I picked up all these cool insults which I just might work up the courage to say to a few people someday ^_^:
I think someone has to be listening to you for it to be an actual conversation.
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
You look like shit. Is that in style now?
Wait... I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.
I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.
I can only please one person each day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.
Well this day was a total waste of make-up.

Cool ne? And for a despondent villain, they're PERFECT! *grins widely* Well, this day's turning out way better than I thought it would. I mean I've already read up on a few insults, I've taken a few tests which classifies me as completely and purely anti-social... FUN!! Oh okay, I've got to go to the club today, so maybe I'll try some of these insults on Morphine. ^_^

P.S. - I was just talking to Kayleena and OH MY GOD!! And I don't mean this in a 'Janice' happy way. Okay, she got married 2 months back... at least that's what I thought. Anyways, it seems they just had the ceremony then in America but they were supposed to get the actual license and really get married on September 27th. And so they did. And I talked to Kayleena today and okay, I still can't believe it... she's pregnant!! Eight weeks!! I mean... c'mon! They like JUST got married... you can't just have a baby so soon. I mean, these are firangees we're talking about. They're probably going to get divorced in another month or so! And she's only 20 and we all know that all she does is run Harry Potter RPGs. I mean... seriously. I plan to be a part of Harry Potter RPGs till I'm 68 to but I'm not going to JUST do that. Kayleena treats that as a real job. And Thom (her husband *rolls her eyes*) has a mind of a thirteen year old too. I mean look at their history. They met on the RPG, virtually obviously, and then they get married. BUT, grins sheepishly* I really liked the names Kayleena's thought of. Which makes me think maybe the kid has a chance after all even after being raised by such obviously loopy parents. Kieran if its a boy and Kennedy if its a girl which is really cute. And maybe I'm just being really pessimistic. Maybe, they do have a chance. Well, hope so anyways. *crosses her fingers*

2002-09-23T10:26:00.000-07:00

Feeling: VERY sleepy. Drawing Bio diagrams can really tire you out.
Listening to: That Thing You Do by The Wonders *drumroll*
Thinking of: How my life's kinda got boring lately. Its like I get up everyday, do the same things, go back to bed, then get up again... I'm like where does all this lead finally?
Wishing for: A knight in shining armour. *bursts out laughing* That looks SO funny on the screen. I'm really loopy right now, so don't take anything I say seriously.
Chatting with: Nobody. Well, I've set my status to offline, so I can see who logs on and decide whether I want to talk to him/her or not. Manipulative ne? *evil grin*

Well, yesterday Scary Movie II got downloaded and by the way, I'd downloaded it because I thought it was like a really funny parody about scary movies. Boy, was I wrong. That movie is the grossest movie I've EVER seen... it leaves American Pie waay behind and I mean... what's the point? It was totally disgusting and it wasn't even porn... it was simple gross, ugly, disgusting no-sense typical American crap. And that's all I've got to say about that. I can't BELIEVE I wasted my drive space and my time on that shit.

Okay, so now that's done, and I have nothing else to do, let me just sign off. But no... this is too small an entry. *scouts around looking for things to write about* Oh yes, got one. Well, Morphine and me were talking about Junky's "crush" today and we both agree on this one. I've always felt that Junky's carefully nurtured the idea of being different from all of us... in some small way or the other. It might be natural her being different, I don't think so though. I still think she's trying too hard. As for her "crush", well, the truth is, I just think Junky's really confused. I mean, she might just like her, but take it to mean something totally different and she's probably blown that so out of proportion that she's started believing it herself. I don't know, but I really think that if a person is a lesbian, you understand without being told, like you understand when you see some guy checking you out. Its an instinct and being the intelligent, instinctive girl I am, I'm totally convinced Junky isn't a lesbian... okay maybe not totally, but 65%... definitely. ^_^

I was listening to Viva! today and their songs are definitely catchy. The lyrics are pretty dumb (I mean they sound too forced) but the music in most of the songs is fast and overall okay. But I still don't like Viva! - the group, because they just get spruced up a bit, and sing songs that others have penned the lyrics to and others have written the music for. Unless they make their own album next time, I'm not buying it. So, that's one consumer less. BIG LOSS! ^.^

ALSO, I was reading the Calvin and Hobbes - Tenth Anniversary Book (AGAIN!) and I was thinking, if I ever get over my fear of cats, I'm going to keep one for a pet and call him/her Hobbes. :) Not original, I know, but I just love the idea and Hobbes' (if he existed) would so have been the ideal pet for me. Like Watterson said, Hobbes is based on this seventeenth century theologian who had a dim view of human nature and I'd love to have a pet named after him. Plus, I'm like Calvin in the way, that I don't exactly believe in predestination, but I'd like to. Okay, I'm sure everybody would like to believe that they were born to be famous... so nah! I'm not like Calvin that much... but who cares? If I get a cat, she/he is going to be named Hobbes! So there. Oh but since I don't think I'm going to get over my cat-phobia thingy, I'd better start thinking up names for a dog. As soon as I have an apartment of my own, I'm getting a cocker spaniel. I decided that a LONG while back. Or maybe a Spitz. I dunno... I guess I have to give this a certain amout of thought. *sighs* I hate thinking.

2002-09-18T05:30:00.000-07:00

Feeling: Pretty good about myself actually. Surprise!
Listening to: Age of Loneliness by Engima
Thinking of: Nothing really. This and that.
Wishing for: DEFINITELY not a Scooty anymore after what just happened. Right now, I just want to get good marks on the exams... and transport to tutions. I can't cycle there anymore... too tiring.
Chatting with: Nobody. Actually, I'm kinda bored of chatting and the Net in general so the phone is the the only way I'm going to be talking to anybody. Plus, Gorky's usually online and I can't remember whether I've blocked him or not.

Yes, today I'm actually really content with life. Well, yeah, I AM taking a death test but that's just because I'm bored. Actually, the Net has been boring me a lot these days. That's why I don't attend the RPG anymore. I haven't officially quit but since I haven't been attending for more than a month, that could be interpreted as unofficially quitting. Oh and before I get to why I'm content with life, let me just brief my chocolatey journal on the small little incident just after my birthday which made me cry. Yup! CRY!! What's wrong with me these days? Its like the hormones have gone on this rampage or something. Anyways, here's the deal. It was Saturday the 14th. Doesn't sound as creepy as Friday the 13th but hey! I didn't decide the day. Well, anyways, it was after the Maths extra class and Shimmer very graciously offered me her Scooty to drive... which I did. So, then... it happpened. I skidded on some rocks and the Scooty fell. Obviously, so did I but it was the Scooty I was more worried about. There was this uncle who hurried over (which was pretty nice of him) but I didn't like him one bit right then coz' he was going on spouting all these corny lines like life's more precious and nothing happened to you and the Scooty doesn't matter and crap like that. And I was just looking at Shimmer. Of course she didn't say anything, but you should have seen her face. I was just so crushed then. I mean I got these small scrapes and everything but that didn't matter. I broke Shimmer's brake... I mean not really. I chipped off the brake handle... but still. Also, her headlights got slightly cracked. JEEZ!! I mean, WHY did it have to happen with me? So, I went and explained everything to her mom but I felt so damn shitty. so when I came home, I cried for like an hour straight and then when my mom came back home, I started crying again. It was like, I turned 16 just yesterday and then I had to do this. I mean, I couldn't even be careful. It was actually my fault... I was going too fast while turning, DUMB ME! But anyways, things like this actually make you re-evaluate yourself. And this doesn't mean I'm never going to drive again... it just means that I'm not going to be all smug and everything when I drive again. But now, I don't really want a Scooty. I mean, I don't feel ready anyways.

Okay, enough of the sad stuff. Now, let's talk about all the good stuff that happened to me. Oh yes, I know I couldn't keep the promise that I'd update regularly, like on alternate days. iMesh has actually been taking so much of my time. I've been watching Friends over and over. PLUS, Serial Experiments Lain might be really slow and everything, but I like the story. Plus the artwork is fabulous. And its not like those anime series that you see and forget... you always remember it. Anyways, I've almost finished downloading it. I've watched 8 episodes and I have 5 more to go. The 9th and 10th one are downloading right now. Also, Junky's been downloading some movies, so I'll see those when I get the time. I told her to download About A Boy which should be good. Also, I think I'm going to download Scary Movie because I love parodies. ^_^

Oh and I forgot. I was going to brief my journal about the good stuff that's been happening. Well, I've been on this winning spree. Firstly, the web-design thingy. Junky and me won that!! Which I think is a pretty big thing because that was inter-school and everything and that was the only thing our school won. PLUS, we came second overall. RV was before us with 24 points or something. Oh and our pictures came in the paper and I looked TOTALLY bloated. Well, this just shows that I'm not photogenic. Anyways, the next thing was the inter-school computer fest. We had the debate in that and guess what? I got the BEST SPEAKER!! I mean I was pretty freaked because you know me... making up the speech in the last hour before going on stage. I was totally shocked but extremely happy too. ^_^ Oh and I got a trophy for that... YAY!! Also, there was the problem solving thing which I don't claim any credit for. I mean it was all Trish and some Divya and some me. I mean our group won, but I didn't do too much... but we still won!! Anyways, the shitty thing was that one person had to go up and collect the medal and certificate and even though my name was in the end, the stupid bum called me, so even though I didn't do much, I was the one to go on stage and get my medal and certificate. Divya and Trish haven't got their certificates yet and that sucks! Especially because I hate taking credit for what others have done. So, I;m not too happy about the last ones but I'm happy about the web-design and the debate thingies. ^_^ Also, the medal that Convent gave us for problem solving sucks... Loyola's medals are SO much better. :)

Anything else? NOTHING!! Oh yes, the exams are a few days away and I promise, this time I'm going to start preparing before-hand. Plus, we have these BIG breaks like the first exams are on the 27th and then the next ones are on the 4th and THEN the remaining are on the 7th onwards. So, lots of time to study. Oh and this time, I'm going to try extra hard for Chemistry. Randy said that I can't go about doing what I do in other subjects with Chemistry. She said I just need to spend some time on the subject and totally memorize the equations and that's the only thing that's going to help me. She might be right... anyways, I've tried understanding Chemistry and it doesn't work. So, this time, I'll just have to work hard for it. The other subjects are fine... Chemistry needs to be done WELL. Well, all the decisions are made... they just need to be implemented.

P.S. - The Death test results are in AND I'm expected to die on August 3rd, 2064 at the age of 77 years. Pretty cool huh? Oh and it says its a 31% chance that it'll be Cancer. ^.^ Sad right? Oh and I took this 'How Dateable Are You?' test which said I'm 55% dateable and that is SO not accurate... because all the questions were like American questions where everybody is supposed to have had sex before reaching the age of 14. Well, anyways, like I care. I'm EXTREMELY dateable. :)

2002-09-02T10:24:00.000-07:00

Feeling: REALLY guilty
Listening to: Crash and Burn by Savage Garden
Thinking of: Being called abnormal and a mental hazard in front of the entire school.
Wishing for: It was a Scooty till a few days back but now, I'm kinda over that because I don't really think I should get one. I mean, firstly I haven't really done anything to deserve it and secondly, I don't really need one as of now. So let's just change my wish to me being able to disembowel sister without any complications arising later such as being hanged and so on and so forth.
Chatting with: Xandox and Shea. I remember yesterday I was chatting to FIVE people on MSN simultaneously and I almost went crazy. Among these five, there were Christina and Shea who type EXTREMELY fast. So no more chatting to too many people together.

Okay, so remember the grey and depressed sort of layout? Well that didn't work out, so I just went back to one of Blogger's pre-designed ones. Its easier than to go look for new stuff. Plus, getting stuff from Blogplates needs a lot of customizing and last time I tried to, it didn't work leading to the pretty fast termination of the grey and depressed sort of layout. Anyways, this one is called 'Sandbox at Night' because the designer's imagination was probably working overtime or something. Okay, enough about the layout. Nice topic, but I can't go on for ever.

Oh and a very possible misunderstanding that could arise from the starting headings could be that I'm feeling REALLY guilty BECAUSE I was publicly denounced in the assembly. Nothing of the sort because that's impossible. Like a small thing like that is going to make me feel guilty and all that crap. No, why I AM guilty is that its been more than a month since I posted here last. So, let's make a new start. Today's the 2nd of September so from now on, I'm going to be really regular. Maybe not TOO regular like no daily updates because I won't have so much to report anyways. But, I'll try to make it alternate or at worse, two days later. Scouts Honour! Or maybe since I'm a girl and a past Guide, Guides Honour would be more appropriate. But that sounds dumb. Oh and yes, the very grammatically correct way of writing today is because I feel like it so no use commenting. By the way, how many people read this thing anyways? Probably none, because I haven't given anyone the URL. But I don't really care because this journal was made for one and one purpose only... to make me laugh later when I looked at it twenty years from now so I don't give a damn as to how many clicks this page gets. But maybe I should get a counter all the same... you know... just for the knowledge. *sheepish grin*

Oh okay, going on to the next thing... the publicly denounced story. Well, it went something like this. A week back, sister had written on a cloth backboard in chalk that 'students were not allowed to meet the teachers outside the staff room'. Well, needless to say, this was the most irritating rule ever because all these teachers tell us to call them for this, that and the other and then they give us all these duties and so we need to meet them. So anyways, no one was about but it was Junky, Xandox and me standing outside just generally and I just rubbed off the 'not' from the message. And well... I didn't think about it anymore because what's the big deal about rubbing off a small little 'not'. But obviously, stupid sister doesn't share my liberal sentiments. She had to bring the matter up in the assembly and say that whoever did that 'despicable' act was 'abnormal' and 'mentally deranged' and she continued for a long while about how the culprit would be dismissed if she ever found out who it was... which I think is extremely unlikely because I'm hardly going to go down and confess now am I? Plus, everybody in the 10th std. knows anyways and they don't give a damn so sister can go take her stupid threats and go drown herself. I don't know why she hasn't already. Anyways, I'm going to be REALLY glad when she leaves.

Anyways, I read the last entry in the blog and I was on the topic of Scootys. So let's just continue shall we? Okay, NEWSFLASH - Junky got a Spirit! And DUH! I was jealous like hell for the first few days, actually first week and then I started pestering my dad and he said fine, he actually did. But today, I was thinking about it and seriously! I don't really think I need a Scooty as such right now. And I'm getting it anyways after ICSE and I really think I need to actually deserve it and right now, I'm not really doing anything much so I'm going to hold off. Plus, I don't really want one just because Junky has it... that's dumb and so immature. And if there's one thing, I DON'T want to be, that's immature.

EEK!! Its almost 11:00 and its a wonder my dad hasn't started screaming yet. But I can see it coming. So, quick, what else? Okay, I have to go for this computer fest thing, Junky and me for web-designing. Its on the 8th and we're supposed to be designing a web-page on a city that we're supposed to guide a tourist through. Trust the Loyoleans to come up with a stupid topic like that. I feel like sticking out my tongue and going YAA!! and stuff. Yes, not very mature, I know, but at times like this, I can make exceptions. ^_^ Oh and Shea is like the sweetest elf who ever traversed the woods of Lothlorien. I'll return to this comparison later. First listen to what she did. Actually, she told me about iMesh which seems to allow you to download Japanese anime episodes off the net, including pictures and songs too!! She has MADE my day and given me the BEST birthday present two weeks early! Oh and as for the comparison, she plans to go in elven garb on the first day her school re-opens. ^_^ I wonder why we can't do that kinda stuff here. Actually, we're getting specially made T-shirts for our batch which I helped design... I mean saying what the slogan was, so there's my input in our class T-shirt. YAY!! We plan to wear this on Teacher's Day. Let's see how that goes. My English teacher seems to despise me... FUNNY! Usually, I get along with all English teachers pretty well. >_< Anyways, like I expected, baba started screaming, so I guess I've got to go to bed right now. *yawns* I'm pretty sleepy anyways.

2002-07-27T07:05:00.000-07:00

Feeling: Not very original
Listening to: Papercut by Linkin Park
Thinking of: Actually, not really thinking. Cursing Blogger. It takes an hour for it to show the edited page. Jeez!
Wishing for: More money and a host! Actually that wouldn't do me a lot of good unless I get familiar with FTP and stuff.
Chatting with: Junky... periodically. I'm actually trying to set the new design up!

Well, so I FINALLY got myself a more grey... depressed sort of a layout. I don't know why because I'm not really very depressed today. Today was fun actually. Well, anyways the layout first. Let me get the cribbing over with first. Okay, firstly, Blogger sucks, secondly, Blogger sucks some more and thirdly, Blogger sucks more than it could EVER suck. I mean, okay, there are some things we can get used to... like it suddenly conking out when we've written this LONG entry and conking out when I don't particularly want it to, but the last straw is it NEVER refreshing and that's what its doing now... especially when its really important for me to see how the new thing's turned out after I made those small code-corrections. And I don't have the brains to figure out Greymatter and neither does Geocities provide FTP anymore! The entire Net system is so commercialized and complicated it sucks!

Okay, *grins* now to the happier stuff! Today I learnt to ride a SCOOTY! Actually it was not learnt at all... start kiye aur bas... there's nothing to it. Of course the Kinetic is another thing altogether! I almost fell off with ND behind me and ND got all freaked out and said her standard dialogue, you know the mammi bahut maregi one. >.< But anyways, THEN Dipika came along and she gave me her Scooty which was just SO nice of her and I pressed the button, shuru ho gaya and that's it. After that its a breeze. Then I rode Surabhi's and THEN Dipika's again and THEN Surabhi's again and Swati's too! And YAY! So much fun. Now I just need to ride Shukla's Saffire... Xandox rode it when I had gone up to the library which is SO not fair... so I'll have to pester Shukla over and over and over again till she lets me. Yeah... like that's going to happen easily. X.X

Okay, stupid gym time again. And since I haven't been going for two days now, I have this bad pain in my leg and all up my back. AARGH! I hate going to the gym like this. But of course I have no choice... stupid world.

2002-07-22T06:21:00.000-07:00

Feeling: Like I can't do anything right.
Listening to: Nothing... but there's this huge drumming noise in my head. Does that count?
Thinking of: How everytime I decide to do something, I end up not doing it.
Wishing for: I don't know... I guess I just really want to be an adult.
Chatting with: I can't believe no one's online. The one day I want to chat and no one's there.

What's it been? Almost a month right? *sighs* Well, yes I don't have an excuse this time. Our exams got over on the 5th and I've just been hanging around since then. I joined this other RPG to keep myself busy and then I quit because I couldn't find time out for HOW and that's what's most important to me right now. We're in the process of rebuilding the site and I've been pretty busy with that. Because of that, I haven't even been studying... I atleast used to complete my homework previously... now I don't even feel like doing that. Couple that with the fact that I got such pathetic marks in Chemistry and I feel so totally worthless. I couldn't believe it when I saw the paper... I've never got such pathetic marks ever. i mean, yes its easy to say... maybe you can't memorize everything so easily... but the truth is I didn't study. I didn't study one bit except for two of the simplest chapters. Its a miracle I passed and even after all that, here I am... sitting in front of this stupid screen trying to make sense of something that is so irrational. Why can't I make myself sit down to study anyways? It isn't that tough for other people and all I want to do is go on to college, find something I want to do and do something for myself for once. But how can I do all that if I don't do what the stupid education system wants? And it doesn't even matter. Even though I'm pouring out all this, I know it won't affect me.

My parents have been pretty understanding about my marks for some reason and they told me not to get worked up about them. And I hate having to pretend to study when I'm not and I hate deceiving everybody... and all I do about all this is say I'm weak, accept it and then go about doing everything I hate about myself. I'm going to be sixteen so and I don't even remember what that should mean anymore. Isn't being sixteen all about responsibility and knowing how to handle it? Well, I don't think I'm even close to that yet. Anyways, since there's no use talking about it, I'm not going to. But its time I started thinking about it... so maybe tonight I'm going to start making some decisions.

Oh crap! I ALMOST forgot and I can't believe how I did because its supposed to be a red-letter day and everything. Well, this just means that the stupid thing didn't last for more than a day but I still got it! Okay, here's the deal. You know how I've been cribbing about being almost sixteen and not having a CRUSH yet. Well, all that changed this Friday... or the Friday that's passed. I remember I was pretty freaked that day but that guy was so cute. And he was with this girl... who looked old enough to be his mom anyways but I know she wasn't. Anyways, he's probably 21 or 22... according to Dalila and there it was... a tingly feeling in my stomach and then I kept staring at him all through. He probably realized because he and the girl kept turning around and staring at our group! Well, anyways... Junky's a pretty good friend so she went up to him and asked him his name and everybody else laughed, but I thought it was a pretty cute name. KHUSHRU! Yes, sounds slightly girly I know, but that doesn't prove anything. And he had on loose baggy pants and this cool cap type thing which I thought was so cute. They call that cap something, only its slipped my mind. Like I care anyways... I got my first crush! It didn't last long... but I still got it. And Dalila the big bum went up and asked Ryan for the guy's number because we'd seen him talking to Ryan and she used my name! AARGH! But, she was pretty nice about it and atleast she went up and asked him. And I don't care if the guy finds out or not. He should be pretty flattered. Xandox's idea of cheering me up was pretty weird. She said very seriously that I should cheer up because the guy would leave the girl and come running to me. And you know what the funny thing was? I didn't know if she was joking or not. I mean I automatically assumed she was because well... its her and the thing was so impossible but she looked so serious about it. Anyways, I think our entire group needs to consult a shrink. Poor shrink! I pity him already. ^.^

*does a little jig* And that last paragraph suddenly cheered me up SO much. I always thought I was above the teenage mood-swings crap. Guess I'm not. *does another jig* But my FIRST crush... when I'm almost 16. I can so totally hear Tithi's superficial, boring voice going - How disgraceful! For those who don't know this, Tithi or Shohini (I'm not using any pseudos here because well I'll be glad if a stalker stalks her) is my hep, mordern and oh-so sexy cousin who lives in Delhi. She basically looks down on me, my clothes, everything I do, everything I say. I'd like to say I don't give a damn but well... I do. And she's so goddamn spoilt. I mean she's in college and she stays at home. She's hardly made any friends at her college. Instead she's stuck to that elite group of classmates in school. Phooey! I mean if I got a chance to go to college right now, I'd go mainly for the hostels and living away from my parents. But for her, being independent is so totally drab. *shakes her head* Oh confession time! I actually admired her when I was around 13 and going on 14. I never copied her but I thought she was pretty cool. Its funny how perspectives change. Now I just think she's a spoilt, rich bitch... oh an airhead as well. Wait, you know those stereotypical cheerleaders in American movies, that's HER!

Wow! Its funny how bitching about somebody makes me feel so good. Maybe I should do this everyday. Oh, Beth was getting suicidal thoughts a while back and most of us were really worried. She asked us to write to her and help her and that really worried me because sure, I've suicidal thoughts as well... but I've never appealed for help like that. So, I wrote whatever I could think of and I suck at writing such stuff and she didn't reply. So I got REALLY worried now and I rushed over to her journal and I don't know what to think. The only thing she's written is one small entry that she was at her friend's place and so, she could not write in detail from there. I'm worried... worried... worried. I've e-mailed her, but she hasn't replied... and I think I already said this before. And of course I can't do anything because I'm living in the other side of the world you know. And I hate that sometimes. Not that I'd like to settle in America because well... I've been there once and I think everybody pretty much knows that I didn't exactly love it there. *sighs* Well, I just hope I'm working myself up unnecessarily and Beth's totally fine. I really, really hope that's the case.

2002-06-24T06:02:00.000-07:00

Feeling: Oh my God! Exam time! (In other words - panicky
Listening to: Nothing! Are you crazy? I'm doing the net in secret
Thinking of: Hmm... let's see. There's the exams, then there's the exams and then... oh yeah! The exams!
Wishing for: Yes... this is very obvious. NO EXAMS!!

Yes, yes I know... I haven't been posting in this blog for a really, really long time but its not really my fault. Okay, maybe it is... but since I rejoined HOW, I've been so busy, I haven't given any time at all to my blog. I agree that this was totally dumb coz' I actually really like this blog but you know me... dumb to the core. I mean I never really knew how much I really loved these guys... by love, I mean the friendly love so don't get any ideas. ^_^ But seriously... I guess what either Beth or Kas said really made sense... acout it being easier for us to open up to strangers for the very reason that we don't know them and they don't know us. It might strike some people as dumb getting so attached to people on the Net but you can't help it. You can never be really upfront and open with your friends but you can with strangers coz' they can't really harm you with that knowledge. You don't feel insecure with them because well... you're never really going to meet them in real life and if you do, you're just going to lose a really good friend. Its scary when a person who knows you too well meets you face to face because then you feel totally naked in front of that person and that's when you get uncomfortable. Its funny how writing out all this makes it clearer in my head which is really messed up.

Am I obnoxious and pretentious? I don't think so right? Well okay then. No one really called me that but I was just generally wondering. Its true I find it difficult to get along with people I've just met but its not really because I'm obnoxious, just slightly shy I guess. Heh heh... some people should laugh. I'm not really classified as shy generally. You know, its been a month since I've written here and that sucks. I feel really guilty because I'd decided to make a pretty big thing of this blog when I'd started it. I hate writing so I thought this would be the best journal I could ever have. But then there are certain restrictions too. Like if I write, I can do that anytime but its a LONG process... logging in to the computer, then not realy stopping at posting an entry in the blog... going on to the RPG. Stuff like that. Well, its obvious I won't be online for a long time now... about two weeks till the darn exams end. This time, I shouldn't do badly because I think I've studied to a reasonable extent... I mean at least more than I USUALLY study. I started studying a week before the exams when usually I just started studying the day before. ^_^ So I should do well right? Of course! *sighs* You know its easier to write stuff like that... harder to feel it.

Its my mom's birthday today and she surprised me. Actually, not really because we've been more ncier around each other lately. We talk without really screaming at each other after 5 minutes and she really is a pretty good person to know. ^_^ Funny I should realize that now. I haven't got her a present yet. *hyperactive beep* I didn't really forget... its more like I didn't really remember. There's a difference. Anyways, there's this entire week. And its better if she chooses her present you know... WAY better. I'll probably write her something today night because my drawing skills suck and I'd just end up making a mess out of a card. Oh and its not going to be one of those stupid sappy poems... I hate that stuff. ^.^

PLUS, Kayleena is starting to piss me off. We haven't really talked but its more like she's another Aaron Silverfart... to a lesser degree of course. There's this big issue going on about ice being an element and she is WRONG! I mean she could say ice is an element and not water... but definitely not both! Well, I'm going to think about it today... make a list of all the things that could be elements by her philosophy and then throw them at her when I go back next to next Friday... if the class is still going on. *sigh* I'm going to miss the RPG these two weeks... more than anything else. Okay, got to go study now. I'm going to completely FINISH Physics. should be smple. *double sigh* I HATE EXAMS!!

2002-05-30T10:29:00.000-07:00

Feeling: Panicky
Listening to: This really cool one-hour radio interview by J.K. Rowling
Thinking of: The UN project looms larger as D-Day comes closer
Wishing for: A world where stupid school projects did not exist and my mom gets delayed and does NOT come back tomorrow.

Oh well, another happy two-day vacation comes to an end tomorrow morning. My beloved mom is coming back. Well, good in a way. Maybe, I actually WILL finish the two projects. Which would be good because otherwise... well, we all know what would happen. Oh and Junky, if you're reading this, well, don't worry about me studying. I hardly do! So, just e-mail ahead... oh, but my mom gets slightly bugged when I get phone calls when I'm supposedly studying... so come down during the 5:00 to 6:30 interval I have and we'll talk, talk and talk some more. I'd hate it if I wasn't there for you. I really would and then I'd be a pathetic friend as well as a pathetic daughter... so I am NEVER busy. Though I liked Shraddhanjali's advice... it made a LOT of sense. Ö¿Ö Heh heh... you know where I got that from.

Well, I finished the web page for the RPG... actually I really didn't do much. Kayleena did the banner and button again, but I was slightly disappointed about that. I would have liked to use PSP to do something... but oh well, I'd probably have messed it up anyways. And Kayleena... like always... did a really good job. Though I THINK I could have done something pretty similar to that but probably not. Well, anyways, I'm going to give up feeling like a total loser, because well I'm not. Don't ask me for proof because I don't have any but I just hate feeling so insecure about myself. Sometimes I have these major mood swings and I'm like... I don't really have any REAL friends and my parents totally hate me and I've also thought of running away sometimes but then I think every kid goes through that. I thought about committing suicide once, except I'm a big coward... but I thought of it once and I decided that if I'd kill myself, I'd probably take an overdose because I'm scared of pain. Which is why I don't EVER want to be pregnant. Though maybe I'll change my mind. I dunno. Right now, adoption sounds pretty good. But I'm sure on the point that I really want a kid. I don't care if I'm married or not. I just want a kid because you know looking at me and my mom, I just want a chance to do things differently. I mean my mom isn't the worst person around, she's probably really stresses, but that's what I don't want to go through. I'm going to get a job that means something to me but not something that means a lot. I'd really like to be there for my daughter all the time so that it becomes almost natural. Like with me and my mom, she's there for me... but I never go to her because well... for years, we've never really talked (unless its one of those one-sided career talks... oh GOD!) and so, I can't really go to her and show her my journal and say - "This is what I'm thinking... right now." Which is what I want different if I ever adopt a daughter.

Oh well, I have LOTS of time to think about adoption. What I don't have too much time for is the stupid projects. Everytime I say, I'm going to finish it and then I can't even get myself to start which is what sucks. Anyways, I found this site by accident. Its a memorial to a girl, Erin Allen, who was addicted to heroin. And god! I mean, I hear everyday about drugs and what it can do to you, but its more real and scary when you actually read about an addict's story that too written by her family. I found this site too, totally by accident, about this 14 year old girl whose site is weirdly titled Heroin even though it has nothing to do with it. I'm not really obsessed about drugs today, its coincidence actually. Well, anyways, I don't know why I decided to link her here, but let's just call it a whim. She's younger than me and gets a tattoo, gets piercings all over (and I mean ALL over), gets to dye her hair whenever she wants to... hmmm... probably because of the country thing. You know... this is India and that's America. Not that I really want a tatoo because like I said, I'm scared of the idea of pain... not pain as much. But I WOULD love to dye my hair. Well, all I can say is, my mom should at least let me streak it. I haven't asked her or anything because she'd probably flip but I think my 16th birthday would be a pretty cool day to right? ^_^

Well, I guess I'm taking Junky's lead and doing all these quizzes because they're pretty interesting... and probably wholly inaccurate but who cares. Oh and I decided to use pictures because I love all pictures... and net graphics. ô_ô Oh I'm experimenting with alt symbols... they're so much cooler than emoticons.

Oh I laughed a lot at this one, because this was right after me saying I am scared of the idea of pain. I mean kick-butt... isn't that supposed to be like... pain? Hah! I'm above that.

Ooooh!! This was definitely flattering. I don't know if its true... but I would definitely like it to be. Do I think I have talent? Not really, but hey! That's me being all insecure again ^_^

Okay, I really wanted to take this test because I loved the dwarfs in Snow White... they were the best part of the story anyways. I mean who needed the dumb prince and the damsel-in-distress who was slightly cute though. I'm Grumpy? *looks surprised* Wow! Eye-opener. ^_^

Okay... I'm just taking this as confirmed now. I've taken another test (which I took two times by the way on different days... and I posted the same results twice) and now even this one says that I'm the funny one. Okay, so that's gospel truth I guess.

Well, in America (where this test was written), nose piercings might be cool. Here they aren't and I don't really like the idea. ^_^

This was the 'Which Prettie Movie Are You?' test, whatever prettie is and this means I'm supposedly fun and friendly and just a little bit crazy. Really? Well, I like that.

This was a 'Which Buffy Character?" thing and I think this fits... it really does. I don't know if I'm a lesbian or not, but the character... inside, it fits.

Okay, last one because I need to go to bed. Well, this was the 'What Type of Mage Are You?' test which was pretty fun. I loved Muted Faith tests because the person who writes this has a cool sense of humour. Well, I technically should have been Earth... you know being a Virgo and all but I like this result.

2002-05-27T05:49:00.000-07:00

Feeling: Bouncey
Listening to: Objection by Shakira
Thinking of: My mom leaving tomorrow!! YAY!!
Wishing for: All my school projects completeing themselves magically. ^_^

Well, you won't believe it... my parents finally agreed to buying me new stuff. My mom's argument was that I didn't even wear the stuff I bought myself... so it was no use buying me new stuff. But then, we compromised... I said I'd wear SOME stuff and my parents were like, okey then! Let's head over to Bistupur. So we roamed around for half an hour and I finally found two really cute shirts in Amar market where you get really cool stuff. I saw Morphine's hand T-shirt there and they have lots more cool T-shirts but they're really big sadly. Oh well, I bought this cute cotton half-sleeve coloured thing but the shirt I LOVE is this weird material black and red checked thing which is so cute!! And the best thing is my dad said that if I last through these for a month, I might get new pants next month!! So, I'm in a very cheery mood today... also because of the fact that Maa's leaving tomorrow. Yup! I think its the calcutta apartment ke baare mein. Waise, who cares? She's going na... that's good enough for me. ^_^ And this will give me enough time to finish up the Hogwarts Our Way web page. We finally decided on keeping the original page (i.e. is the one I made) because then we wouldn't have to change anything. Shea still needs to finish quite a lot of the one she made. So at least till the time she's done with all her school-work and everything, this site should stay up. I don't need to change much. Just the main page and the splash page graphic. Yes, we do need a new button too. ^_^ Well, when Maa goes tomorrow, I should be able to finish up in no time.

The not-so-easy-to-do thing is finish my Chem and History project which I should really get a move on. *sigh* Its just that Chemistry is so boring and I have no idea how to make the History project any different from what the rest of the people would be making. Pathetic excuses I know... but I really mean it. OR maybe its just that I really can't get myself to work. But anyways, I'm going to be doing my 20 sums today in Maths and I should finish up with that pretty soon. At least SOMETHING would be done. But you know what... boring study talk is not dampering my spirit... because I have too COOL shirts! ^.^

And I'm totally getting addicted to the RPG again but I don't really care any more. I LOVE that place. I started up the newspaper again and I'll have to build a web page for that too... which shouldn't be too bad. I mean right now, I just need to make the main page, then when the others hand in their articles, I need to make the entire paper thingy. IT SHOULD BE FUN!! And this is such a change from my depressing mood a few days back. Maybe the RPG has something to do with it. I become a happier person when I'm on it. Hmm... interesting.

2002-05-24T10:14:00.000-07:00

Feeling: Good about myself even though I haven’t even STARTED working on my school stuff
Listening to: Papercut by Linkin Park
Thinking of: My mom coming back tomorrow
Wishing for: The mood where I actually WANT to study
Chatting with: Shea and Christina

Sadly, Ma is coming back tomorrow from Vishakapatnam. I haven’t missed her or anything (DUH!) but I’m kinda glad she’s coming back because now I’ll probably have to get down to some serious studying. I mean I haven’t done ANYTHING so far. I still need finish the Chemistry project, the Maths sums AND the History project that has to go to the Council by the way. I am SOOOOO lazy. Anyways, the ICSE and ISC results are out and everybody did pretty well. Miko got 83 point something, Turtle got 86.8, Debu got a 89 (REALLY disappointing) and Mitchelle got 81 or something. Cool ne? this really gives me loads of hope. I mean, I guess I could do really well too… if I study that is. ^_^ No, but seriously… I need to do something about it. Oh, Xandox is grounded for a week because she’s not been studying too much. Hmmm… well, at least she’s finished all the projects.

Junky has to start on her projects too. I mean, we’re both really bad influences on each other. None of us study and we don’t even force each other to study. Which brings me to another piece of news. I joined the RPG again. I couldn’t help it! I miss them so much. Call me spineless… I don’t care but I have missed role-playing so much. The good thing is once Kori gets her hold on everything again, I’ll be able to finish all my work in really short time. Because I’ve joined back as ONLY Kori. So that lessens my work load a lot. I don’t need to worry about too many characters et all. Junky has three characters to manage though. Poor kid. Gee! I called her poor kid. I’m going really strange.

We were at Beldih today and had lots of fun. I mean I live for these Fridays. And for once in my life, I really have this group of friends who I’m totally comfortable with. First it used to be just Junky and that’s it. School… yeah, I’m totally free with everybody but otherwise I’m not really that casual around a lot of people. But today, I really meant it when I said that I want to have a huge crush on someone just to know what it feels like. Its like this part of me is totally shut out from what almost everybody in my age group has gone through sometime in their life. I guess, I might get a crush on somebody if I don’t always think about every guy’s bad points. I’m like Chandler I guess… but you know what’s cool. He was the first one to get married. So maybe its going to be like that with me. When I fall in love (if there is something like love), I’m going to fall in it really bad and I won’t be able to get out of it again. Wow! I like thinking like this. ^o^

Oh I did this LOOOOONG survey thing that this pen pal of mine from Sri Lanka sent over. She’s pretty okay I guess… but anyways, I wrote all the answers and mailed it back to her. Anyways, in this group of questions about guys, there was some question on crushes and she’d named some guys and then she’d said my cousin. And I was like - Cool! She came right out and said she had a crush on her cousin! I mean, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that but I thought that people didn’t really want to talk about it if they even had a crush on a relative. Totally stunned me.

Today, in the morning I watched Oprah. I know… its dumb. But this time the show was about kids who had been sexually assaulted by members of their family or family friends. I was totally shocked. I mean I knew this happened… but I’ve never really thought about it. But the show documented all the kids who had gone through this. There was this small girl who had started being molested when she was 4 by her own father and she gave testimony in court against him when she was 5. The prosecution lawyer asked her about what had happened to her and she was so... she said that her father had stuck his weenie in her pee-pee. I mean she didn't even know the right words, she was so innocent and someone could take advantage of her like this. And she wasn't the only one. There were so many of them, including this girl who had gone to the police to file a case against her stepfather and when she'd come back her mom had told her that she'd totally ruined her mom's life. I mean, I don't know what the mom must have been thinking. Her daughter went through that and then she tells her that she doesn't want to ever talk to her again because she'd ruined her life. And Oprah raised a really good point. Everybody thinks that it isn't a big deal... they'll be having sex themselves a few years later. But its not about the sex. Someone does that to you... invades you like that when you're still a child and how can you believe that its not a big deal. It has to make such an impact on you. Most of the victims are being counselled or they're in special centres. I don't know what the molestors must have been thinking, but they aren't justified in what they did, however painful their old life had been or how no one loved them. They just can't do that to another human being.

That show really depressed me. You know those things that really make you lose faith in the human race... this was one of them. Anyways, I might not post very very frequently on the blog because now there's the RPG, but I'm definitely going to post every two or three days detailing everything that's happened. ^_^ I will NOT forget this blog.

2002-05-19T07:55:00.000-07:00

Feeling: Hyper
Listening to: All The Small Things by Blink 182
Thinking of: Washington DC and Poetry.com
Wishing for: Tomorrow to come. Not that today's been bad or anything. Actually its been pretty okay. I just want to see if I'll be able to stick to my resolution.
Chatting with: No one! I can't believe it... the one day when I want to talk to someone and no one's online.

I decided to change the mood word to feeling because it sounds better and because mood doesn't really describe stuff like down-in-the-dumps. BUT, today I'm feeling totally hyper all coz' Poetry.com invited Dalila to Washington for this conference thing because her poem's going to be put on a CD and everything!! Here's the poem link and I hope they don't remove it from their database because I really want to record it on my journal. So if they do, a wiccan's curse is on them. I'm not really a wiccan but I wish I was. Anyways, her poem is titled The Beginning but I really liked the ending. ^_^ No but seriously, I really liked the poem. Not that I agree with a few of Poetry.com's principles... like saying that revise your original words and make them sound more beautiful and conveying. I really believe that you write poetry for yourself alone... its a celebration you yourself attend in which you revel in the beauty of things around you. I know its a very selfish view but that's what I feel. Revising your previously written words to make them sound more attractice to the rider is just a lie you're living. I know others might not agree but that's seriously what I think. And as long as I'm on the subject of thinking, I really want to understand what 'pop' is all about. Its full-form is supposed to be 'popular' right? but well, most pop songs are really unpopular these days. So what genre of music does it belong to? I mean its so dumb to classify music according to the popular kind and the non-popular kind. It isn't even accurate. So many rock-bands are more popular than 'pop' bands. So don't they become popular. Or is 'pop' more like one of those 'soda pop' things? They sound sweet but they don't really have any layers to it. They're just music that people... especially teens can relax to or dance to... one of the two? I really want a solid definition of pop because it confused me so much while I was watching Coke [V] Popstars today. Oh well, doesn't really concern me I suppose. On second thought, it actually does. I'm a teen... all this stuff is being promoted right in front of me. So I deserve a definition. Sad thing is, I'll probably never get it.

Christina had written this essay on feminism which she decided to put up on the board because Kas and Shea were getting this major inferiority comples about the way they look. It really makes sense so I decided to record it here so that I can read it when I'm feeling totally inferior and everything. I think what she posted was an extract. So here goes - "Feminism is not fanaticism. So many people believe that if a person is a feminist, then they must be the type of woman that opens up doors for men to prove they can do it themselves, and that only masculine women who want to be men are the one's that are so bent on fighting for equality. Now I can't say what these women are like, because I don't personally know any freedom fighters, but I doubt the people who created the stereotypical image of a feminist knew any either, so I can't tell you what feminism means to those people, but I can say what it means to me. A feminist wants equality for women AND MEN, not to prove to men that women can do anything they can, but to prove to themselves that they can do anything they wish to, and to prove to the rest of the female population that they can do it too.
Feminism is not a fight against men, it is a fight against prejudice. Sometimes that's our own ideas which we place upon ourselves. Any time some woman tells herself "I can't do that, I'm just not strong enough," or "I'm not as smart as my husband/boyfriend is," or even "I look awful today" there is a prejudice to be fought. Feminism is about telling ourselves that we can do it, we are strong enough, we're smart, and we're beautiful! This is not because we've heard the men in our lives tell us we couldn't and it's not because our best friends dared us to, it is because it has been far too long since a woman has looked in the mirror and told herself "you're a wonderful person, a wonderful woman," rather than immediately thinking "I'm too...fat, to thin, too short, my eyes are too close together, my lips aren't full enough," or "my hips are too wide." Feminism is not about trying to be more masculine, it's about being more feminine, and liking it. I am a person, I am a daughter, I am a sister, I am a student, I am a lover of books, of music, of philosophy and of life, but most of all, I am a woman. I am proud to be a feminist, and if someone out there doesn't like that, well, that's their problem, because I cannot change my gender, and I will not change my beliefs. I respect myself, I respect other women, and I respect other people, and the only thing that I expect in return is the respect that I have earned."

You know those things that make total sense and you're wondering why you never thought of them. Well Christina's speech was a lot like it. ^_^ And I'm done for today. i made this resolution that I'd only write as much as I wanted to in my blog and no more because otherwise it gets really boring.

2002-05-18T05:39:00.000-07:00

Mood: Tired
Listening to: Riders On The Storm by The Doors
Thinking of: My absolutely pointless existence
Wishing for: Nothing really. Not right now anyways.
Chatting with: I'm just too goddamn depressed to chat. Shoot me!

I know its been a long time since I've posted but this blog is not fun anymore. Its become an obligation for me to write something in it everyday even if I don't feel like it. I'm not going to abandon my blog but I'm not going to post long entries unless I feel like it. Its like, everytime I write something, I need to check if its long enough to post and if its not, push in more stuff some way or the other. And it takes days like these to make me realize what I'm doing. Not that today has been hectic or anything... its been a totally no-work-all-play day and its not really very nice like one would think. Ma's gone someplace. I don't know where and to be honest, I don't care as long as she stays there for a while. My life is basically in shambles right now. Not that anything BIG has happened... its just that I'm having one of those extremely pathetic weeks. I can't study even if I try... not that I do. All I do is sit in front of this dumb screen. I thought I'd get rid of the addiction if I quit HOW, but it turns out, it doesn't work like that. I'm still as addicted as ever. I was reading up on Serial Experiments Lain and they're so totally right. You need to keep the two worlds seperate... the Wired (or the Net) and our world. And I'm totally losing my grip on the real world. I mean yes, I'm still the person I was unlike Lain and I don't have a doppleganger and everything, but I'm getting so darn addicted and it frustrates me for some reason. Mainly because I'm not really doing anything that's HIGHLY interesting... even to me. I'm just killing time, and I'm admitting it only to myself... and to Junky coz' she's going to read this entry sooner or later. *sighs* And it doesn't matter how many resolutions I make because I can never stick to them. I need to finish my school projects, I have a pathetic relationship with my family and my life basically sucks. And its not like I'm tired because I've done so much work today. I'm just so tired of not doing anything at all. At the end of the day, I'm like, so what did I do today? Because that's one day gone from my life. And right now, for the past two weeks, I haven't been doing anything that I'm happy about. It doesn't need to be winning a gold medal, but anything... like maybe starting a FRIENDLY conversation with my parents or maybe even being nice to my brother for a change. And I know its useless just writing it all down and doing nothing about it, but I just can't. I stare at the stupid chapters and my mind wanders, my brother is so darn irritating and my parents... well, actually my mom... I just can't stand her any more. I find it so much more peaceful when we're not in the same room because she slapped me when I was almost 16. I'm never going to forget that, no matter how hard I try. In fact I'm not going to try because I'm hopping mad.

I REALLY think that Viva! (What a dumb name!) needs to work on their songs on their own. I mean yeah! They get the costumes, the dancing, the make-up done... fine! But I mean... they're a group. If everything's done for them, what's the point of being a group at all. The guys who wrote the music and the lyrics should just sing the song too. I mean if you just need to sing, hell! There are 150 thousand people who could do it way better than them. Well anyways, since I'm not going to buy their CD/cassette, why the hell should I bother? And I'm out and I don't really want to type anymore and this world sucks and everybody should just get sucked up in this tractor beam or something. Hmmph!

2002-05-14T09:45:00.000-07:00

Mood: Enraged
Listening to: Fly Me To The Moon from Neon Genesis Evangelion
Thinking of: Running away
Wishing for: Right now, its a different house, different family, different life... but I guess what I REALLY want is my parents not ragging me so much.
Chatting with: In this mood, I don't think chatting's a good idea

Okay, before I start, I just wanted to ask all the people who know me (like who I've met), not to read further. Since I think, among my friends, family and other odds and ends, there's only Junky, who has this URL, I'm asking her to PLEASE not read any further. This is a personal entry and I really want to keep it that way. I'm first and foremost an introvert so I'm not a very okay-here's-my-story kinda person. Strangers are welcome because they don't know who I am. And if anyone who I know, APART from Junky reads this blog, again, PLEASE don't read further. Respect my privacy this once.

Now that's done, I'm just going to ramble on and on because more than talking to a wall, writing it all out helps. I really want to remember this day all my life, because its been literally the worst day of my life. Today afternoon, I was listening to Shakira pretty softly because I didn't really want to wake anyone up. I was doing a few Maths sums at the time and was basically contented if not exhilarated. In drops my mom. She had to go to her office or something but anyways, she obviously called out or something for me to open the door. I didn't hear her. It happens... I'm not the best person around or anything and with the music and confusing sums, I couldn't hear her. So she comes to my room and then yanks my hair (pretty hard according to me) and told me to shut the door. I lost it... but I really wasn't very rude. I'm telling the truth here. I just told her in a slightly loud voice that she could have said that without pulling my hair. And she seemed to lose it or something but she hit me about twenty times... not just slaps but you know with her knuckles too... on my back and pretty much anywhere she could reach. She kept screaming as to how she could not have woken other people up to shut the door and how she couldn't have drawn my attention to it if she hadn't pulled my hair. Well, I think that's bull shit. I mean, she could have just come to my room and told me and of course I'd have heard her. Since she came into my room anyways to pull my hair, it didn't really require much of an extra effort. I didn't say anything. I cried a bit the first few times she hit me (i.e. for 5 seconds or so) and then I fell quiet and she went on hitting me. Was it me not crying that bothered her or something? Then she told me to NEVER speak to her in a loud voice or she'd break my teeth or words to that effect. I still didn't say anything. Then she led me to the drawing room and screamed at me again telling me to clean it up. I think she just needed to say something here because the drawing room was perfectly clean. The newspaper which was on a table was not folded EXACTLY but the room didn't look unclean in the least bit. I couldn't say anything. So I silently cleaned it up. And then she left and that time, I was taking something into the kitchen. She screamed at me to close the door. I said that I was coming but it wasn't good enough for her. So I had to rush along and close the door after Her Majesty. It might seem like I've left a lot out so that I look right but that's not true. I've said everything as it was and now I'm going to analyze it because if I don't... I'm seriously going to run away. I know it.

I forgot to mention something. I cried so hard after she left, I was surprised. I know recently I've been prone to crying fits but this time I was crying VERY badly. Hyper-ventilating and crying at the same time which is pretty uncomfortable. Before I analyze everything, I just want to say that I feel like shit right now. Nothing I do is good enough for anybody. Its not like I've been disobeying my mom or anything. I've also talked pretty civilly to her... though not warmly... but that's obvious after her slapping me for refusing to drink medicine that could kill me. But at least that time, I said NO! This time, I didn't say anything apart from telling her NOT to pull my hair. Oh well, I'm really down-in-the-dumps today. Yesterday I did that Maths question paper that's actually WB board but I could do quite a few. And I felt proud of that because the questions were pretty tough. The ones I couldn't do, even Xandox couldn't do them. And even Natarajan told us that these weren't the type we'd been taught. Obviously, my parents probably think I'm worthless because I couldn't do the sums I couldn't do. My dad was pretty nice about it. In fact, I think he'll probably understand when I tell him we haven't done this type before. And the funny thing is, my mom hasn't said anything at all about the paper. But I feel really strongly that that's why she hit me so bad... even though she hasn't said anything about it.

Well, the analysis. My mom might have had a bad day at work and she needed someone to take out her frustrations on. But you know what, that doesn't justify it. I never take out my frustrations on anyone. Yes, sometimes PB, but not by slapping him and beating for something that's not his fault. I might scream at PB but I'd never hit him and he knows that at this time, its better to just leave me alone. Well, I've totally left my mom alone after the medicine incident. And I don't think that her having problems at work can just enable her automatically to scream at me. I'm a living, breathing person and I have feelings. Another reason is probably the one I already mentioned... the test paper. Though they haven't even checked it yet. Third reason is because she's bitter about me not treating her warmly. But I mean, c'mon... how can she expect me to be all nice to her and everything after she slaps me?

The ones that are more difficult to analyze are my reasons for resenting this. Firstly, its because I didn't deserve it. Not at all. I talked in a loud tone to her but is that so bad? After she pulled my hair for no reason whatsoever? I don't think so. But I guess why I resent it the most is because I'm almost 16. I think I'm entitled to not getting slapped at this point of my life. And for something, I didn't deserve. But you know what's the worst thing? The fact that I can't run away. I have no money, nowhere to go and more importantly no one to go to. In two years, I'm going to be in college and she still slaps me for such a small thing... which according to me wasn't a thing at all. Now she says I can't listen to music while I'm studying. I DON'T listen to music while I'm studying. I listen to it while I do Maths or something and it doesn't affect me. If it does, I'd obviously shut it off. But obviously, I'm not mature enough to handle it my way according to my mom. Well, fine! Like I care!

Actually I do care. I am so mixed-up, I hate myself right now. But I guess what's most important is how I handle this. I can't handle it like a kid. She thinks I'm not mature enough... I can't prove her right. So, I'm just going to be extremely civil towards her. I just need to treat her like a person who's very important to you because you need her... not in an emotional way, but in a worldly way. For the present, I need her for my clothes, books and food. So, for now I'll treat her like a benefactor. But I DON'T intend to just let her get away with it. She needs to feel hurt... really hurt. So, I'm going to be extremely mean. Maybe its not mature, but I don't care. I'm sure I'd do this when I was 45 too. I'm going to hur her real bad by always being extremely polite to her but acting all family-like with Baba and PB. It has to get to her sometime.

But one thing she said made sense. I've been leading this life where everybody does my work. Frolicking actually does all the house-work for everybody but since I plan to leave this place as soon as I can, I NEED to learn to take care of myself. From tomorrow, I'm making my own bed and fixing my own breakfast. Once Frolicking comes back, I'll ask her to teach me how to cook simple stuff. That way I'll survive. ^_^ And since its 10:10 I need to go. I might just get slapped eight more times if I don't.

2002-05-13T05:27:00.000-07:00

Mood: Rushed
Listening to: Lain's Theme from Serial Experiments Lain
Wishing for: A less pretending-to-study-but-not-really-studying life
Thinking of: The stupid UNO project
Chatting with: Umm... no one. Is that so bad? No actually Ishani (or Ice Magic as she calls herself now) just logged on.
Wanting to: Kill You-Know-Who. No, I don't mean Voldemort. I mean c'mon! She's way worse than Voldemort. Who? My mom! DUH! (Wasn't that obvious?)

Lain's Theme is really cool and I guess its because it kinda reflects my mood right now. Not really rushed... just slightly confused and like what-the-hell-am-I-doing types. I mean everyday, according to my mom I should sit down to study for at least eight hours... NOT including tutions. And in the end, all I do is probably an hour of studying... when I'm at my best! I'm not counting the 20 Maths sums everyday because they really don't mean much. I didn't even finish Physics. I still have to do pulleys. I did finish the numericals of Chemistry though and now I need to get started on the theory. GOD HELP ME!!! I have no idea how I'm going to do this. But the project we're supposed to do on Acids, Bases and Salts should help. I'll finish that chapter that way at least. Then there's the stupid Periodic Table chapter. How the hell am I going to get through that? Oh did I mention I finished Bio. Oh and by this, I mean only what she's taught us so far. That goes for Physics and Chemistry (when I finish it) too. Then MAYBE I'll get started on extra revision. *crosses her fingers*

So yesterday was Mother's Day and I don't know if Ma noticed because she didn't say anything and she didn't look particularly depressed either. DARN!! Actually, thank god because I didn't feel happy at all not wishing her or anything because somehow I'm just not made like that. I mean, yeah she slapped me. But I shouldn't be mean because of that because then I'm doing the same thing she's doing. Of course this doesn't mean that she's going to be rude to me and I'm going to be extra nice. Of course not!! I'm not Mother Teresa you know. But what I mean is that I should have wished her. I should be cold to her and everything but definitely not rude. And since yesterday was her day and stuff I think I should have done something. Then maybe today again, I could have gone back to my cold self. Oh well... there's no use feeling guilty over it. Though I can't help it because I really don't like hurting people. And if my mom had committed suicide or something yesterday because no one loved her or something, I'd be so darn guilty and I'd never be able to live with myself. ;_;

I think its time I got going on my web page again. I'm definitely going to get some pictures scanned and put them up. Its high time! And yesterday, Ma was arranging all the photos in these albums and I looked so cute when I was a kid. I mean its a waste right if the world doesn't get to see how a cute kid actually looks... and I ROCKED as a kid! Actually things were less complicated when I was a kid too. Like today, Ma said I couldn't watch The Bold And The Beautiful anymore. She said I was becoming incapable of intelligent thought and I couldn't watch such crap. Well, I agree... TOTALLY! In fact, it was getting dumb and I don't even like watching it anymore. But the thing is I take it as a personal affront when she says I can't do something. I'm going to be 18 in 2 years. I think I'm entitled to make my own decisions by now. And I don't know what she thinks. By making me stop watching these serials, does she think I'm going to suddenly turn into a National Geographic and Discovery Channel lover or something? And yes, National Geographic and Discovery have their uses and I do watch them sometimes. Say when they have a Martial Arts program or maybe something on Jane Goodall, SOMETIMES, somthing on Egyptian tombs and mummies, but I really can't restrict what I watch to these channels because it could happen that after some time, I'm just NOT interested in films on how tigers feed on deer or some thing like that. I'm not saying its bad, it might be that I'm just not interested in it. It happens. Then I like watching crap like The Bold And The Beautiful and for me, TV's more entertainment than knowledge. I mean yes, learning can be made fun but when Ma forces me to sit for a program, its always like you're being forced to learn and then you lose interest. She does have a point. I mean, I know... I've lost interest in the things that don't directly affect me. But I've been working on it. That's why I hate it when she interferes. really think I could get somewhere if I was allowed to do things by myself.

A few days back, a suicide bomber in Lahore killed a few French-men and a few Pakistanis (along with himself of course). Today they had the memorial service. It seems that these guys in Islamabad, who are supposedly close to the Al Qaida and Taliban, applauded him for his bravery but expressed their sadness at the fact that no Americans were killed. Can you believe that?? What is wrong with this world? I mean, how can we just categorize people and persecute them according to which country they belong to? Its downright sick. And this suicide bomber killed himself for such a meaningless cause. I hate it when people die for no reason at all which is precisely what this man died for. And no man was born hating others. Its what's been drilled in him by people who call themselves saviors of their culture and religion. I haven't exactly read any of the religious books but somehow I'm perfectly sure that none of them really encourage their followers to go kill people of a different race. I really really don't understand people and right now, I'm not sure I want to.

I'm going to save up my pocket money to buy Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix as soon as it comes out. It might be a waste of money but I really don't care. Or maybe I could persuade Baba to buy it for me instead. That's really a much smarter idea because I can hardly make my money last as it is. ^_^ Oh and my new idea is reading books on the net. Not the ones I can find in a library but those that are more difficult to find. Its difficult though. Staring at a computer screen for an hour or so just reading. Junky keeps e-mailing everybody. Seriously! She really must miss us. I'm flattered. I'd never have spent my money on cyber cafes. Actually I would have if I had any to spend. I am so totally bankrupt. ;_;

2002-05-11T05:55:00.000-07:00

Mood: Gloomy
Listening to: One Step Closer by Linkin Park
Wishing for: An endless supply of chocolates!
Thinking of: How nice and fat I'm going to get eating that chocolate.

So, my mood just changed from grumpy to gloomy. BIG difference. My hols suck! Because it isn't like a holiday at all. Its study, study, study and study some more. Not that I'm studying that much but the thing is, I'm still supposed to. Here's my schedule. Morning, wake up, have breakfast, sit down to study. Get up at 1:00, eat, take a bath, watc some TV and at 2:00 go back to study. On tution days, study till tution time, then go for tution, come back at 5:15. Then, work on the computer et all and get up at 6:30 and sit down to study again and study till 9:30. WHAT?!?? Like I'm even studying this much. After this, my resolution is finish Physics and start on Chemistry but since its me and since its Chemistry I need to start, I'll probably end up completing only Physics. I downloaded Basic but I don't know how I'm going to practice if I get only a hour and a half on the comp. I'll probably have to talk my parents into letting me do the BASIC thing after 9:00. Its important right?

Oh tomorrow's Mother's Day and no, I didn't get to work on the picture thing and I don't plan to. She's the most pathetic mom ever... and I mean it. ince yesterday, I've been extremely cold and everything towards her and serve her right. Here's the entire story. There's like this medicine bottle that's been here since last year or something. I was supposed to keep drinking like 2 doeses or something everyday. Well, its me so I forgot totally. So recently, my mom's been after me to keep drinking it. But the thing's supposed to expire in May 2002 so I was not going to take any chances. I mean, its not her problem. She doesn't get a stomach upset or maybe die if something goes wrong. So yesterday I told her I wouldn't drink it. And she slapped me thrice! I mean how old am I? Almost 16! In two years, I'll be outta here and thank god I say. But of course I couldn't say anything so I just sat there silent but I hated her... I hated her right then. And I still do. Then she forced me to drink the medicine and you know what the funny thing was? I prayed asking whoever was up there to kill me... just to make her feel guilty all her life that she killed her own daughter. I felt so happy thinking of that. And later I got to thinking. And it was so weird because I was totally fine with me dying to spite her. And this is right before Mother's Day. Well, serve her right. My brother won't remember unless I tell him and my dad doesn't keep track of this crap. So I hope she finds out its Mother's Day and she has a shitty day. I hope she watches TV and they show all these mushy programs for Mother's Day and she feels totally ignored and depressed... in other words, how I'm feeling right now. I'm not feeling exactly ignored but I AM feeling pretty depressed.

I'm surfing around LP Fan and its a really cool site. They have a few songs that aren't on the CD or cassette. There's one thing about Linkin Park which not a lot of people have noticed. Say you're walking along a park or something or anywhere and you hear a LP song. You've never heard them before. Well, it won't really make you stop in your tracks and go looking around for the person playing the CD tongue hanging out. But once you actually sit down and listen to the song and pay attention to the lyrics, you really really begin to like it. And its not like the songs which you get tired of after each hearing. LP songs really grow on you... and you like them better every time you listen to them. Oh well, it doesn't really matter coz' in my opinion, LINKIN PARK ROCKS!!

Spiderman has grossed more than Harry Potter. I wonder why... seriously. But I saw the trailors and an exclusive on it and the special effects are fascinating. I mean, I still don't get how they did it. Actually, I don't get how they do a lot of this stuff. Star Wars was really cool because it was one of its kind then. Even now, I really like the movies but they obviously won't be as interesting as they were back in the 70s. Also, since its such a legendary trilogy, they should work on creativity. I mean Star Wars And The Attack Of The Clones?? What kind of movie title is that. The Phantom Menace wasn't any better. Don't they have creative consultants for this crap? Anyways, shoot creative consultants. I could give them a waaay better name. Its their fault they don't know I exist. ^_^

I saw Tomb Raider yesterday!! Late I know... but movies come to Jampot VERY late. Angelina Jolie was sooooo cool... she really was. And I want to do all she did. Not only did she have so much fun shooting for the movie, she gets paid for it also. Lucky pig! Oh, I loved the scene where she fought with the people who came to raid her house. Wow! But the basic theme of the movie was slightly confusing in the beginning then it got righted out in the end. But Angelina Jolie is REALLY cool. And my time's up... okay I'm taking half an hour more so sucks to whoever says I can't. Junky's in Bangalore and she's so desperate, she's logging in from cyber cafes. And people can me computer addicted.

2002-05-08T09:35:00.000-07:00

Mood: Grumpy
Listening to: Leaving On A Jet Plane by John Denver
Wishing for: A cooler climate
Thinking of: Whether I have chicken pox or not

Frolicking is down with chicken pox and so I might have it as well. Junky's off to Bangalore and everybody's having great holidays except for me. *pouts* And to add to an otherwise shitty holiday, there's the possibility of chicken pox. Also, they put someone else (who looks DUMB by the way) in place of the cute guy in Sanjeevni. So that's one serial I don't need to watch anymore. I couldn't stick to my study resolution today but tomorrow's a different day and I'll start my Chemistry. Plus, I'll get a head start on my maths holiday homework. I'm thinking of shifting my blog to Deadjournal because it has a more anti-social theme. Not that I'm anti-social but I like the idea. ^_^ On the family thing, I'm at least talking to my mom now so maybe we'll actually have some fun on May 15th which is Family Day supposedly. I have a question. Who comes up with all these dates anyway? Was this Family Day date thing set by the Brady Bunch or something? Well, anyways, its the thought that counts I guess though in my opinion, May 15th is a shitty day. And just 3 days after Mother's Day. HOW DUMB!! Which makes me think. Should I do anything for ma? I mean, yes, we have a pathetic relationship but she's okay sometimes I guess. I'd thought of doing this photo house making thing but for that I need photos which I need to cut out from somewhere without her finding out. I'll have to think about that. We had another practical today which went okay I guess. We have another practical class tomorrow. I mean what's the point of holidays dammit?

I'm getting on with the graphics design thing though I still think its wrong that we use other people's artwork in our graphics. It isn't really our work then. We just manipulate it a bit and then everybody's like - Woah! What cool designers. And come to think of that, Lia, the extremely nice person who made my link button just copied someone's layout... COMPLETELY!! she did change one image but it hardly makes a difference. She's used the same codes on the text and everything. And she designs free graphics. That is so totally hypocritical. And YAY!! I just finished my first button. Its my first ever button. *sighs in satisfaction* And I just finished uploading it to Geocities. Its not very good but its my first and I always want to remember it. So in case I forget the URL and if this blog is still alive when I'm 80 so I can see my first button, here it is. But this isn't the button I'm going to give H.O.W. I'll make a really really good one and then I'll gift it to H.O.W. And remember that dream of mine? Where I start a free graphics site? Well, it might just come true. ^_^

And, here are the results of a few more tests I took. They're all on Emode which is a great quiz site. The first one was the What Breed Of Dog Are You? test. I got a good-hearted, people-loving Bernese Mountain Dog. Down-to-earth and loyal, no one works or plays harder than me. I put my nose to the grindstone when it really counts, but I never neglect my social calendar either. Hmmm... I have serious doubts as to this one. Then I took the What's Your True Colour? test and I got BLACK!! I quote - Your color is black. The color of night. Serene and mysterious, black conjures up images of elegant evening gowns, dashing tuxedos, and gleaming limousines. Traditionally a symbol of success, black also represents power and an uncompromising demand for perfection. Not surprisingly, you tend to set challenging goals for yourself and do whatever it takes to achieve them - your strength of character is second to none. This unfaltering determination, along with your natural elegance, impresses people. But keep in mind that your personality might be intimidating to some. Try to temper your demanding side with a little softness - trust us, it won't kill you. Overall, though, black is the color of professionalism and achievement, which means it's clearly the color for you. Woah! This is flattering but scary. I didn't know I was like this. Hmmm... there's something wrong here. Last one was the Right Job, Wrong Job: Discover the Career That's Intended For You test on which I got a job that lets me be creative and analytical. Oh that helps sooo much. Big farts. I need to pay them 20 dollars to find out what the right job would be. Phooey! *bashes up Emode*

Anyways, moving on to the next one, the What's Your Lucky Charm? test. Heh heh... you won't believe what I got? A four-leaved clover... that's right. I quote once more - Druids used four leaf clovers to see evil spirits and friendly fairies. If you start seeing magical things however, we recommend laying off the clovers for a while. In fact, you don't even need to possess the actual clover. A necklace, pendant, key chain or tattoo promises the same good fortune of the ancients. Interesting. Now I need to get some money to buy one of these things. The next one was the What's Your Celebrity Look? test according to which my look is the Romantic Look. *gags* And look at the kind of stuff they said - With the eyes of a Botticelli and the smile of a DaVinci, you're the latest embodiment of the Romantic Look. It's your fascinating combo of dreamy innocence and smoldering desire that always keeps 'em guessing. Your tender, inner nature comes out in the soft colors and flowing fabrics of your clothes. But just because you can pull off the pastel eye shadows, pouty glossed lips, and the wide-eyed look of a kitten, everyone knows that you're no angel. Once you slip into something sexy for the evening and dab a little fragrance behind the ear, you're capable of just about anything. Mysterious as a cat, you share the same romantic allure as Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz, and Andie MacDowell. And just like them, your sincere, inner beauty always manages to shine just as brightly as your striking appearance. I mean... SERIOUSLY!! This is me we're talking about. Washes her hair twice in a month, combs it once in a blue moon, wears the same old clothes over and over again and then they tell me I'm like Kidman and Cruz. Ha! So, that's loads of tests for today. Tomorrow, I do a few more personality oriented tests.

2002-05-07T09:50:00.000-07:00

Mood: Confused
Listening to: Deep Inside Of You by Third Eye Blind
Wishing for: A brother who doesn't put his overlarge nose into what does not concern him *hint, hint*
Thinking of: I don't know... the issues I have with my family I guess

Yes, I do have some serious issues with my family. I mean life was so un-complicated when I was a kid. I hated my mom for making me study when I wanted to play but then I forgot that in two minutes, and I really loved them. I mean I guess I do now too... its just that its really difficult to be totally upfront about myself when I'm with them. Lately, I've been feeling that this entire family thing sucks and I've been slipping away from them. When I was ten or eleven, we used to have these chats and everything... like in the evenings, we all used to relax and basically talk. But we don't do that anymore and its not only my fault. My parents are too caught up in their lives, its true. I'm not being bitter here because its a fact. Everyday my mom comes home, she and dad sit down and discuss XL politics. Its not like you can join in and even though my mom is nice about it, its obvious she doesn't want you there. My dad thinks of me as this 10 year old kid so he always tells me to not listen to them. Yeah, like I'm going to go rat on them. I'm almost 16 dammit and no one seems to accept that and that's what pisses me off. Its true I have a pathetic memory and I'm totally absent-minded and mostly irresponsible, but I'm not a darn toddler you know. And I think I'd change if I got the chance. Yesterday sucked... as a day. My dad got this CD home and it was this stupid Mel Gibson movie. They were watching it and usually, we all watch CDs together. I didn't though mainly because the movie was dumb. So I shut myself up in my room listening to Linkin Park who rock, but aren't really healthy coz' I was feeling pretty suicidal. But then PB got up too and after some time my parents shut off the player and resumed talking about XL politics. By talking, I basically mean my mom talking because my dad just seems to do all the listening, Maybe he actually says something, but I haven't really heard it. But that's not the point. The point is that we're growing farther apart as a family and I don't like that. We hardly talk anymore and if we do, I have to get up and leave, because according to my parents I suck. Okay, maybe not but my mom's always telling me to do this or do that and its irritating. Maybe they're right but that only makes it worse. But I know, I've seen their side of it. We don't really have much to talk about. They don't know what's going on in my life and if they do, they probably don't approve of it and I have no idea what's going on in theirs. I mean, maybe next week they'll decide to get a divorce and I'd be like - "Huh? Who? What?" Its like that. If I tried to tell my dad about PSP and what I do on the net, he'd say I'm wasting my time. I can't talk to him about school stuff because he'd get bored and so would my mom. They expect me to keep them informed on my career choices, the research I'm doing and what I plan to do with my life and I'm like - "I don't know!" You can't just come up with that all of a sudden and your parents can't just expect you to know. I know I should start working on it but I'm pretty confused and my parents don't help. They just succeed in making me feel totally worthless. So I guess that's why we've grown so apart. I can't tell them anything anymore and they're certainly not the ones I'd take my problems to. Though I'm slightly opening up... to my friends at least. Not a lot, because I'm really quite a private person and definitely an introvert, but I'm changing around them. Hmmm.... interesting. ^_^ But you know, somehow, they still don't mean that much to me as my family even though I like them better. Make sense?

Anyways, I took all these tests and here are the results. According to the Which Harry Potter Kid Are You? test, I'm most like Harry Potter. I really don't know what to make of that because I never thought of it. But yes, there are certain similarities come to think of it. Moving on to the next one, according to the Which Marauder Are You? test, I'm most like Remus Lupin. Well, that's not surprising... I kinda figured. Then there was the Which Evangelion Child Are You? test, I'm most like Rei Ayanami. And I'm getting all the introverts. Does that say something? ^_^ Oh and there was the slightly unusual test too. The Which Toe Are You? test, according to which I'm Toe No. 1, the reliable, clumsy but trustworthy toe. One thing the pic said interested me. It said that a good career for me would be one in which I can help people through life. Possible choices, psychologist, psychiatrist or social worker. Interesting, because I'd been thinking a few days back what being a psychologist would be like. I know its dumb basing my career choice on an internet test that's not accurate, but it isn't a bad idea either. I have to think about this. I hope my parents read this somehow even though they don't know the URL. They'd have a fit. ^_^

2002-05-06T06:15:00.000-07:00

Mood: Moody
Listening to: Crash and Burn by Savage Garden
Wishing for: A not-so messed up mind
Thinking of: Kind of blank right now

You know what pisses me off sometimes? Know-all parents. Because that's seriously what they are... mine at least. Yesterday, we were eating dinner at Beldih and I don't know how we got started, but I told my parents that I wouldn't be taking computers in 12th because I can't. You can't take that up if you take Bioscience, because six subjects is the upper limit. I have no problems with bumping off computers, but my parents obviously do. Well, my point is, who gives a damn? And what irritated me most was when my dad said, like it was so obvious, that I would not take Bioscience because computers is supposedly all-important. I don't think he has a very high opinion of Bio. But again, is he me? No right. Well, anyways, the good thing about me is that I'm really stubborn so Armageddon will come before I say I don't want to take up Bio. So there. He can do all he wants but I just won't take Pure Science. Though one thing my mom said makes sense. She told me to find out about everything, which I plan to do. I mean, if I don't make the right decision, I get stuck for good and I wouldn't want that to happen. Right now, my father's pissing me off by taking it for granted that I'm going into one of the Science streams that I'm thinking of going into Arts or Commerce just to piss him off. ^_^ Also, what REALLY pissed me off was him thinking that I waste my time making graphics and learning HTML. He said it doesn't really amount to much. Well darn it I don't care! I have fun and I think I deserve to have some fun even if I'm in shitty 10th standard. Talking of which, I was supposed to start studying. And I've finished half the Bio stuff she taught us. ^_^ I did it yesterday and I didn't do anything today which I know isn't really sticking to my resolution, but hey I'm weak.

Talking of weak, I'm getting tired of the Aranika character I'm playing on the board. I know, ALREADY?? But I'm just tired of role-playing, especially because the RPG is dying. *sniffs* I know sad... after all we've done but looks like Silverfart had the last laugh after all. I was reading a few Harry Potter fanfics on the net and they're hilarious. I lost the link but they're hilarious. One's about the entire Harry Potter crew and the internet. They're taking their classes on the net and everything and Malfoy finds out about some of the muggle fanfic sites which feature him and Harry as a couple. Seriously... hilarious! So they're like on a mission to track down whoever's responsible and kick some yaoi butt. Funny... *wishes she hadn't misplaced the link*. I'm thinking I'm seriously warped. You know when you have all these things bottled up inside you and no one to talk to about them, you go slightly warped. Like me. I do say a lot of stuff here, but writing isn't the same as talking. I've started talking to myself. Actually, not really started. I used to do it a long time back too and what I love most about myself (and what scares me the most too) is when I start acting out my fantasies. Not sexual fantasies, fantasies of when I'm going to be rich and famous and travel all around the world and everything. Its interesting though I've never self-analysed myself according to my fantasies. Its very tough to try to understand yourself because we hate seeing our failings. I do at least. But okay, I realised something about myself today and I don't care if the entire world finds out. I care a lot about what other people think. I'd like to say I don't give a damn but I do. I might not fashion myself according to them, but I still do mind things horribly. Maybe that's why I hate looking stupid. I know no one likes it but I hate it. There's a difference if you're smart enough to figure it out.

Good news is that I found out how to get PSP 7 permanently withoug paying for it. I don't get the Image Mapping and Slicing thing but that's okay. I'll manage. And maybe later I'll download Image Dicer too. Oh so this is how it works. Just set the day on your computer back because the software looks at that. So you don't need to keep downloading it again and again. I know I should feel guilty but well, I'm poor so I think I'm entitled to this. ^_^ Oh and good news!! Sarin chose me. Even Junky got chosen. But I was totally surprised... what with her being all, I'm going to vut marks and everything. But I've been in so many of these elocution thingies that I'm starting to think its just a big pain. So, for the English elocution, I'm saying something I wrote. That's it! That way, something good should come out of it. Oh and the lokokti went off without a hitch. I asked Riddhima for a story and she gave me a pretty good one, so I stood up and just made up everything right then and there. I am SOOO good.

2002-05-04T06:34:00.000-07:00

Mood: Hmmm...
Listening to: One Step Closer by Linkin Park
Wishing for: Money so I can buy PSP 7. *sighs*
Thinking of: Making my own graphics

Actually, I've totally got the hang of PSP. Maybe not totally... not even close, but quite a lot and its very easy making graphicss. And they aren't even half bad. I mean of course I need to use images from other sites as base images, but then I can manipulate it so much that no one would ever recognize it as that image. And I love it. Its totally fabulous. right now, I'm using it to make graphics for the HOW web-page. It gives me something to do for the holidays. ^_^

Talking about the holidays, I've decided. Starting tomorrow or maybe day after, I'll study with total attention for about two to three hours everyday and that's that. Now, to nicer stuff. But no, yesterday wasn't really nice in the mission accomplished kinda way. What I mean by that is we went to the club to see The Mexican and there was a power-cut and everything, so the mission to see Brad Pitt and Julia Roberts failed. *sniffs* But *cheering up* I did have a pretty good time as such. But today we had school. WHY GOD WHY?? I mean, what did we ever do? but then, the best piece of news in like a century or something is that I got to ride Morphine's Sunny. *jumps around doing the Chandler dance* Oh its really nothing big and so totally simple but I'm proud. Oh and I told my mom about it and I told her that she should get me a new cycle even if she doesn't get me a Scooty, because my present one is pitifully small. But then she said that she'd buy me a Scooty next year so it wouldn't be any use. YIPPEE!! Though she did say that if I get shitty results on the Boards, I get a second-hand scooty, so I'm going to work extra hard. Oh and who said parents don't bribe their children? My parents bribe me like crazy and I love it!

I took the What Type Of Friend Are You? test and I'm supposedly a Comic Friend. *thinks a bit, then shrugs* Yeah, I can live with that. ^_^ Life sucks! We need to study in the holidays. *pouts* And this is where one of my famous mood-swings swings in. I'm totally obsessed with Linkin Park right now. I just can't get Crawling and Runaway out of my head for some reason. I like being obsessed with something. Gives me something to think about. Usually, I'm just so bored.

2002-05-02T06:02:00.000-07:00

Mood: Silly
Listening to: Riders On The Storm by The Doors
Chatting with: Junky, Kayleena and Debu
Wishing for: POTS OF MONEY!!
Thinking of: Whether people who blog are actually honest or not.

School ends tomorrow! I couldn't be happier! Of course there's the fact that we're booked for extra classes almost the entire week so I don't see why they're calling tomorrow the last day... but its just that its the LAST DAY!! I mean those words just hold so much meaning and I actually live through the school days just to hear it. And we get to go to the club again, though I'm not sure I want to go with the stupid state my eyebrows are in. Actually, I'm being dumb. No one will notice until I actually point it out. Oh so, here's what I did... stupid fart as I am. There's like this particular lock of hair that always falls on my face when I bend my face down and its sooo irritating. So, yesterday I got totally pissed and I picked up a scissor and I chopped it off. Now here's the crux of the situation. The scissor is one of those cloth scissors... pretty big. I had it against my head when I was cutting the hair and it snipped off part of my eyebrow hair along with the irritating lock! i know, what are the odds of that happening? Well, with a dumb twit like me, its not really impossible. *sighs* But no one noticed until I pointed it out to them, so maybe its not that bad. Yeah, I'll need to explain that to my mom when she comes home. She's going to kill me!

But on a happier note, I downloaded loads of songs off the internet and best of all, I recorded the Linkin Park cassette that I got off Dalila!! ^_^ But you know what's irritating. When I was in America, the cassettes were like 17 dollars and CDs were 19 dollars. I mean, what's the difference? Here's its like a 400 buck difference or more. Shitty. And this is why I said I needed more money or at least money that I can save up. I need to buy some cassettes. Recording sucks! The quality sucks! And its extremely irritating having to record stuff. But oh well! I don't get this month's allowance coz' I had to borrow it off my dad last month to buy Xandox's present coz' I'd spent last month's money on junk food. SERIOUSLY! And my parents are like - "We give you pocket money so you can get things by yourself. We aren't going to pay for it." I mean, what happened to kindness and big hearts and stuff? This world is one big, money-oriented place and I don't like it.

You know I surf all these blogs and I like forming these character pictures in my mind. So I was thinking, are they all as honest as me? Because, it turns out that some of them aren't. I mean its like say you're keeping an online blog and you've given the address to all your friends and everything and you just can't be honest. Because you know your friends are reading and you immediately start to project this false image. For example, say your crush knows about your blog. Then, I'm telling you, everybody's going to try to project themselves like what they think their crush would like. It happens. But I'm still not giving up on reading others' blogs because its HIGHLY interesting, especially some of the funnier ones.

I think its worse to be ignored than hated. I mentioned this somewhere before. I think it was in the bitching about Shweta Dutta entry. Oh and I actually don't care what I post here because the only one who's got this blog's addy is Junky but that's okay. She's welcome. ^_^ The good thing about Indians is they don't have time to read up stuff like this unless they have a totally free connection like me and Junky. Oh I just noticed. The me and Junky. I always do that. Even when I'm talking, I always put me before anyone else. So I'm egotistic. Fine by me. I have to say my stupid lokokti tomorrow. I said my elocution piece today. I didn't screw up or anything which was good. I still need to find a stupid saying. I don't know why they make us do all this and that too on the last day of school. Evil it is. That's what... EVIL!

2002-04-30T06:37:00.000-07:00

Mood: Happy
Listening to: Alchemy of Love by Megumi Hayashibara
Chatting with: Kayleena
Wishing for: ICE-CREAM!!
Thinking of: The three more days before school clases *sighs*

Most of the forwards I get are total trash. But this one wasn't that bad. Its slightly firangi but its the thought that counts right?

In kindergarten your idea of a good friend was the person who let you have the red crayon when all that was left was the ugly black one.
In first grade your idea of a good friend was the person who went to the bathroom with you and held your hand as you walked through the scary halls.
In second grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you stand up to the class bully.
In third grade your idea of a good friend was the person who shared their lunch with you when you forgot yours on the bus.
In fourth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who was willing to switch square dancing partners in gym so you wouldn't have to be stuck do-si-do-ing with Nasty Nick or Smelly Susan.
In fifth grade your idea of a friend was the person who saved a seat on the back of the bus for you.
In sixth grade your idea of a friend was the person who went up to Nick or Susan, your new crush, and asked them to dance with you, so that if they said no you wouldn't have to be embarrassed.
In seventh grade your idea of a friend was the person who let you copy the social studies homework from the night before that you had.
In eighth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you pack up your stuffed animals and old baseball but didn't laugh at you when you finished and broke out into tears.
In ninth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who would go to a party thrown by a senior so you wouldn't wind up being the only freshman there.
In tenth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who changed their schedule so you would have someone to sit with at lunch.
In eleventh grade your idea of a good friend was the person who gave you rides in their new car, convinced your parents that you shouldn't be grounded, consoled you when you broke up with Nick or Susan, and found you a date to the prom.
In twelfth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you pick out a college/university, assured you that you would get into that college/university, helped you deal with your parents who were having a hard time adjusting to the idea of letting you go...
At graduation your idea of a good friend was the person who was crying on the inside but managed the biggest smile one could give as they congratulated you.
The summer after twelfth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you clean up the bottles from that party, helped you sneak out of the house when you just couldn't deal with your parents, assured you that now that you and Nick or you and Susan were back together, you could make it through anything, helped you pack up for university and just silently hugged you as you looked through blurry eyes at 18 years of memories you were leaving behind, and finally on those last days of childhood, went out of their way to give you reassurance that you would make it in college as well as you had these past 18 years, and most importantly sent you off to college knowing you were loved.

Now, your idea of a good friend is still the person who gives you the better of the two choices, holds your hand when you're scared, helps you fight off those who try to take advantage of you, thinks of you at times when you are not there, reminds you of what you have forgotten, helps you put the past behind you but understands when you need to hold on to it a little longer, stays with you so that you have confidence, goes out of their way to make time for you, helps you clear up your mistakes, helps you deal with pressure from others, smiles for you when they are sad, helps you become a better person, and most importantly loves you!

Yes slightly mushy and all, expecially the last part but I liked the going-up from kindergarten thing because its true. I mean however much we say that I love my best friend because she has such a good heart and everything, the truth is that as we grow up, what we look for in a friend changes. And it changes differently for different people. But yes, this person WHOEVER she is has made out quite a good case.

We had the sex education thing yesterday. It was less of a sex education thing than this basic general talk. But the father has these really strong beliefs and its hard to argue them out. But I mean what's the point. He has his beliefs... fine. And its not affecting us right? Actually it is. Because he's saying all this to everybody and he's telling them stuff like its better not to live together before marriage, masturbation is wrong, lesbianism is not love and stuff like that. Yes, if they're his beliefs, fine but he's also influencing all these people and he should be more liberal. Especially in India, kids usually believe what adults tell them and by kids, I mean a few of us. A lot of my classmates are totally not exposed to so much of stuff that its hard for them to form independent judgements. So they depend on what others tell them. And this father is not entitled to say stuff like this is wrong and that is wrong. He should let us make out own decisions dammit. And he talked about these reasons why he knew God existed and there was life after death, and the reasons weren't convincing in the least. But he did say I asked really good questions and I was very intelligent. And here I admit it, I was so damn flattered. ^_^

Right now, I need to go mug up this elocution piece over which I had some trouble with Sarin. I'm telling you, she was SERIOUSLY trying to get me to be among the first people who do the elocution thing. But my piece was so dumb I just told her that I couldn't say it. She said she'll have to cut points but who cares! Actually, I do but I got the piece I said last time and its pretty good. So, I'll say that. And who cares if she doesn't like it? I think its better than the original one. And I guess I need to go mug it up now. *sighs again*. Oh but baba just got me these 5 bars of Perk so I'm happy. ^_^

2002-04-30T05:09:00.000-07:00

Our net connection conked out for the past four days. Actually, it didn't conk out exactly, but it was the same thing for me. The proxy's down so we needed to use the general thing. Anyways, enough of the complicated details. The thing is, I wrote this LONG entry for the day before day before yesterday? Makes sense? Well, anyway, I'm not going to just delete that entry so here's the entry, for Saturday the 27th. The 27th okay?

Saturday, the 27th of April, 2002

Mood: Disappointed
Listening to: My December by Linkin Park
Thinking about: The crappy singing exam
Wishing for: Its changed a bit. A fire in the building which has the results in a cabinet.

Well yes. The singing exam is over and I totally screwed up. The singing was fine but I got totally nervous and everything and I screwed up on all the questions she asked me. And after I wasted my precious time on it! But you know what's exasperating. I got so nervous on a stupid singing exam. It wasn't exactly stupid but it was damn easy and if I hadn't been all flustered and everything I'd have done really well. But wait! I didn't like the concept of a singing exam anyway, so maybe its for the best. Except I don't like screwing up on stuff however much I don't like it. I don't like Chemistry but I don't likescrewing up on the exam paper. I don't think anyone does. But anyways, I'm bothered but I'm not ashamed of myself or anything because firstly, I did what I had to do well. What I mean is I sung well. I messed up on the theory part even though it was really easy. But oh well... I sang okay and since its a singing exam, I'm proud of myself on that point.

Now to nicer topics. I finally managed to download Paint Shop Pro 7. Its the trial version and I plan to make a LOT of graphics before the 30 day period is over starting today. Now there's a resolution I won't have any problems keeping. ^_^ I saw Lagaan again today. It really is a fabulous movie. I haven't really watched No Man's Land but it must be really good to be better than Lagaan. Though hold on. What I'm saying is totally wrong. I mean, its the Academy that decided who was better and don't like Academy judgements. For the plain, simple reason that last year they gave the award to Gladiator... which I didn't think was that great and definitely not Oscar material. By Oscar material, I'm judging by the other DESERVING awardees. The Oscars have become so big for the simple reason that its an American award ceremony and America thinks they own the world... which they probably do. ^_^ And since hald the world is getting American-ized, no wonder this thing is so hyped. Laggan's a really great film and I think we should be happy about that. We don't really need to get ourselves judged by Americans right? We're our own people so there.

I'm downloading songs from different anime series off the net. The Tenchi Muyo opening theme is really good. Not really good but different and slightly strange. Oh and these PSP 7 information sites are giving me a headache. They're just so darn complicated. *clutches her head* Oh well, need to get familiar with it anyways, so there's nothing I can do about it. And the Serial Experiments opening theme is a theme... only music. For some reason it reminds me of No Doubt's Hella Good. Well anyways, talking of stuff going on in my life, I didn't study one bit today. I need to do quite a lot but I just can't get off my ass and do it. And I just found a cool quote - ""An old man sits collecting stamps in a room all filled with Chinese lamps.. He saves what others throw away;
says that he'll be rich someday."

I like it. The old man is not like me. He atleast makes the effort of collecting the thrown away stamps. I don't even do that. I expect everything to be handed to me on a silver platter. But I don't know if I'll accept the thrown away scraps. I want the BEST things to come to me on a silver platter. ^_^ And I took the Which Kind of Friend Are You? test and I got I'm a comedian. Hmmm... interesting. Well its true to a certain point. I try to make people feel better by joking about things. Junky is sympathetic, so is Dalila. Xandox and Morphine would also probably get comedian. Cool! And they say the Internet tests aren't true. Hah!

2002-04-26T10:02:00.000-07:00

Mood: Enraged
Listening to: Kiss Me by Sixpence None The Richer
Thinking about: How singing classes are totally exasperating
Wishing for: Its still the same. A nuclear attack on the singing exam hall.
Chatting with: Shea and Ishani

I am ENRAGED! Totally! Singing classes are ruining my goddamn life... and I didn't think it could get any worse anyways. My mom says that I can't go swimming tomorrow because I have my singing exam tomorrow and I could get a cold. Well, its obvious she doesn't know anything. I was wrong if I ever thought she did. You don't get a cold in less than 10 hours. How dumb! And since everybody was going to be there, maybe I wouldn't have been so conscious and all and I'd have a had a pretty good time. But no! Madame Mitra has a problem with anyone having fun since I don't think she knows what it is anyways. She's watching Kuch Kuch Hota Hai which is the dumbest movie I ever heard of. Actually its pretty good, but I'm in a shitty mood so let me complain. Her mental growth stopped a long while back but now I'm thinking she's retarding. And if she somehow finds this page, I hope she reads EVERY word. I mean it. I give everyone the cold treatment when I'm angry with them so at least this way she'll get what I think of her. And this world sucks like she does too.

The stupid club was hardly any fun today. Today was Xandox's REAL birthday. But I think she had more fun on her false birthday. Junky made her a great "budday" page here. She actually spent a lot of time on it and that's why I think Junky's the most caring person in the group. She's sometimes also extremely irritating and I hope she's reading this. Why irritating? Because she takes forever to come to the point and because the world sucks and because I'm having to think and because I don't get to do what I want!! *grins wryly* Yes, it finally all came back to me. ^_^ No but the first point still holds true especially when you're thinking the world sucks and there's someone who's going on like "You know what? You remember that thing? Oh forget it. Oh no wait! No... no, don't you remember? That thing? Aah! Forget it!" That's EXACTLY what she does and when you aren't really in a very chirpy mood, you usually feel like you'd like to bonk her on the head to either shut her up or make her come to the point faster.

And I read two books of The Chronicles of Narnia today. I read them last when I was about nine years old or something but when you're fifteen, these books are really extremely entertaining. When you're nine, they're HIGHLY interesting. Anyway, Narnia is a fabulous creation and it takes imagination to come up with the stories Lewis wrote. But they're also slightly funny. DON'T believe me. I think so. Especially when Susan's thinking of getting married in Narnia and she's only like 15 in the real world. But wait... Miaka was 16 when she got married to Tamahome. Sometimes anime gets so illegal. ^_^

Talking about illegal, I think that sex education thing is going to be EXTREMELY boring and irritating. For one, that guy thinks masturbating is wrong and homosexuality is wrong and we should not use condoms or birth control pills. Someone should put this guy in jail. 10 A went for the orientation thing today and that's what Shimmer said the father said. Well, shoot him I say. More than three-quarters of the world masturbates and homosexuality! I think I mentioned my entire theory about it PLUS the advantages so I won't repeat them AGAIN. But hold on! No birth control pills and condoms?? Who does this guy think he is? I mean does the Government know he's saying all this shit? I mean they spend loads of money (the Government) advocating birth control and asking people to decrease the HIGH aabadi and here is this father with his dumb talks. And without condoms? What does he want? Everyone to get aids or something? I think this guy is totally bonkers... or he's just an evil alien planning to destroy the entire planet. But the good thing about him talking is that we miss one entire day of school. And I don't mind that! I hate stupid classes anyways.

Education in India is dumb. We learn a bunch of facts that we forget after exams anyways. There's nothing practical about the entire thing and you don't get to find out things for yourself. I remember in America we got to do stuff, draw our own conclusions and THEN the teacher would discuss it with us. Here we know everything, what we should get and then we do dumb practicals. Totally kills curiosity and the ability to find out things for yourself. So basically at the end of a pretty shitty day, my conclusions are the world sucks, my mom sucks, my dad isn't far behind, the education system in India sucks and basically everybody sucks. No, correction... I don't suck. I RULE!! ^_^

2002-04-25T06:02:00.000-07:00

Mood: Cheerful
Listening to: Hot Dog by Limp Bizkit
Thinking about: The stupid badge I got ^_^
Wishing for: A nuclear attack on the singing exam hall

Yes! That's right. I like it when I don't have anything to do or prepare for. And isn't singing supposed to come from inside or something like that? Then why do we need to give exams and crap? To test what we've learned so far... yes, that makes a LOT of sense! Singing's about learning right? Well, I don't think so. Its supposed to be 1) Fun, 2) Fun and 3) FUN!! Its supposed to get you to relax or if you're listening to Limp Bizkit (like I am ^_^) to get a chance to just sing as loud as you can and that way, after sometime, you'll feel strangely calm. No kidding. Well anyways, I can't do anything about this. According to Ma, there are certain things which we're obliged to do. Well I agree with her. We are obliged to study, to accept the prasad when we get it so we don't freak the elders out even if we don't believe in religion or anything like it. So yes I do all this because I'm obliged to. But I HATE being obliged to sing and I hate sitting down and singing stuff that I find extremely exasperating and dumb. Some of the song's tunes are good but the others aren't and its painful singing then.

Anyways, today we had the installation ceremony and I got installed. Oh and no, I didn't feel proud at all so nothing doing. I don't think anyone else did either. We tried not to laugh when Surabhi almost dropped her badge and when Pooja forgot to move back after she got her badge but it was pretty tough. Oh and Naina was dancing just before we started marching so it was tough having to stop laughing and walk in a straight line and all. Oh and the pin with my badge was so blunt that I had a really tough time trying to pin it on. So in the end I had to just attach it clumsily and hurriedly take the oath and everything. And then we marched out and we had a photo session. And no, I didn't feel proud then either. I was busy making faces at Xandox and Xandox says that the photographer got that. *crosses her fingers* I hope not. I mean my class photo was pretty bad but I wasn't making a face there. I really hope the guy didn't get my face in. Though of course he did get my face into the photographs... but those I think were decent looking photographs. One of them I think will look weird because I'm smiling and not smiling at the same time. ^.^ And the epilogue to all this came in the fifth period. I was walking back from the computer lab and we were passing sister's office and I was telling Randy, Morphine and Xandox about something... I forget what... but I was saying it in Hindi and pretty loud. So sister comes out and here's the creepy part. I had my back to her but then she says "Who's talking in Hindi? Very good. The Asst. English Minister." And I ran. But the weird part was that she recognized me even when I had my back to her. Xandox says it was because of my extremely unusual, bouncy and totally untidy hair. She might be right. ^_^ But I can't help it! Its too difficult trying to manage my hair so I gave that up a long time back.

Oh and I heard EXTREMELY good news in Maths tution. Wricha told Xandox, Morphine and me that there was this Father coming next monday and he'd be giving us a sex education class. WOOHOO!! This is going to be so interesting. And he's supposed to explain it all in detail and everything so here's my prediction. There is going to be a LOT of giggling. Not me... but I'm telling you, there are LOADS of people who giggle at this stuff. First one's going to be Jugagni and then there's the Sampurna group. Oh this is going to be FUN!! ^_^

Also, what really pissed me off about Channel [V] is that one of their VJs, Pooja (the one girl VJ who you could stand and who was pretty cool) died in an "unfortunate accident". And Channel [V] kept flashing this message that they were so sorry and they were going to miss her so much and everything but you know what sucked! They kept the show up. There's this live show on [V] called Hotline and the VJ, Gaurav (who has EXTREMELY cute ears by the way... like an elf's) was extremely cheery and he didn't mention ANYTHING about her death. Yes, I know they need to keep the show going and everything, but if [V] was SO sorry, couldn't they just make the show SLIGHTLY sober for once. It doesn't make sense... she'd been with them for about a year or so and all they do in respect is flash a continuous message. They could atleast do this programme on her and show the stuff that she hosted or at the least, elaborate on that "unfortunate accident" bit. It sucks how JUST because money is flowing in from the ad agencies and everything, [V] can't do a segment on her. Well, what difference does a small segment make. It could be a half-hour one at the least. I don't understand people... I seriously don't.

2002-04-24T06:02:00.000-07:00

Mood: Bored
Listening to: Hella Good by No Doubt
Thinking about: Making my own graphics
Wishing for: Eight chilled bottles of lemonade
Chatting with: No one (How come no one comes online in the early evenings?)

Its amazing how I totally forgot to tell my blog about the best thing that happened a few days back. My dad bought a new mouse!! Yes, maybe that doesn't seem that big an event but it is for me. You won't BELIEVE how much the old mouse tormented me and made my life a living hell. So my newest resolution is to guard this mouse like the world's largest diamond. Tomorrow we have the stupid Installation Ceremony (yes... that's how I think of it. In proper capitals) for the stupid school cabinet. Pity I'm in it. Actually its not. Our school cabinet is pretty good... though I wouldn't know about responsible. ^_^ Prachi's hilarious, Junky's dopey, Surabhi's great, Xandox is funny... and I'm the best! I mean this cabinet rocks! Of course there are about eight or nine other people in the cabinet from the 10th but I really can't start to list great stuff about all of them. For one, I can't think of anything to say about Tipu and for two, I hate Shweta Dutta. Actually, that's something I wanted to think about one day. Why I hate Shweta Dutta so much. Its always been Shweta Dutta... never Shweta. I think I hate her so much because she's pretty ruthless. Some people think that's so cool but its not. Its irritating and makes you feel murderous. And its not like she doesn't care what others think... she cares too much. She needs to be the best at everything.. that's her problem. and she doesn't mind bumping off people. Not exactly bumping off people because then she'd be hanged (Ooooh... interesting), but no... she's like "You're getting in my way to achieve supreme power in the Interact Club (Who cares about that anyway? Its a dumb school club) and I shall do my ultimate best to get you out of my way by spreading bad stuff about you around or making people think you're worthless." Actually, I have no way of knowing that she does but I'm pretty sure of it. And that's not why I hate her. Why I hate her is because she ignores me and I hate being ignored, I could stand being screamed at, shouted at... anything... but not ignored. Ah well... I hate her (or despise her) and she ignores me. Pretty nice state of affairs and I like it this way.

I've got to prepare for one test and complete lots of homework and kick Junky out of here. Yeah... she's here and she's feeling pretty good and she's done extra work and I HATE HER!!! I haven't even started completing the work I need to do and Junky says that neither has she so I can't understand her. Well, I have five more minutes to fill in all I need to say. Oh I read this cool quote yesterday and it made me want to be a psychiatrist even more. "Dreamers build castles in the air and psychoanalysts collect the rent." See? How much money I could get doing this? I don't even need to invent a highly genius-tic thing which I always thought I needed to do become a multi-billionaire... don't ask me why. I mean I guess you could be a multi-billionaire doing other stuff too but I don't know what else?

Oh and the dumb camp has been postponed to June 13th. After all this crappy stuff, JUNE 13TH!! Oh and I'm still going ahead with the plan to put cockroaches in Bullu's bed. Oh and I DON'T love Junky and I am the best! (This was in response to her telling me to end my entry with I love Junky and she is the best.)

2002-04-23T05:55:00.000-07:00

Mood: Amused
Listening to: Hands Clean by Alanis Morissette
Thinking about: Weird sex notions that some guys have *will enlighten you later*
Wishing to: Be more motivated (SERIOUSLY!! These days I don't feel like doing anything!)
Chatting with: Scott (a guy on the RPG), Junky and Enigma.

The sex notions! You guys have to hear this. Actually, I'm not sure anyone apart from my friends (who already know about this) read this blog. But anyway, I HAD to post this because I need to laugh at this when I'm eighty and three-quarters dead. I asked ND if I could post this up and she blushed and said okay. So I am going to. And since no one knows who ND is anyway (coz' that's a code-name), so she's protected anyways. We all need to be protected because we're secret agents in disguise. MWUAUAHAHA!! Oops! I wasn't supposed to say that. Its a deep, dark secret. Well, so anyways... sex notions. ND actually believed in the stork story. not technically the stork story because this is India, but she somehow thought that when people are extremely close, God just gives them a kid. Then we asked her what she thought sex was and she said it was kissing for five minutes at an end or something to the effect!! I mean all this time, we've been talking about sex and ND thought THAT!! Well, so anyways, when we told her today how babies actually came into the world, she wouldn't believe it! She can't believe that the *ahem* thingy actually goes into the *ahem* woman's thingy. She says it wouldn't be possible. ND is hilarious! And she's a Science student and all. I mean if she's been memorizing how frogs and fishes do it, she should figure out that men aren't far behind and that there needs to be a certain bit of sperm transfer and egg fertilization. Anyways, looks like she isn't the only one. was on this 12 year old girl's blog and she thinks that you get babies by kissing. She knows about the sperm though and she explains it with the theory that the sperms get transferred into the woman's mouth and then they go fertilize the egg. Weird! Its scary too sometimes how people are so tuned away from reality.

Genny said something nice about me today. YAY!! *claps* Quoting her exact words - "Kori - sooo cool and unique in her own way. She's crazy and wacky but still seems to be able to hold up her end of whatever she's in." I wouldn't know about the crazy and whacky part, because I'm not very whacky usually but oh well, the other parts are so true. *points vigorously to the cool part* I was surfing around a few diary review sites and all of them get pretty bummed when people fill up their entries about their daily life instead of about themselves. Well I think that sucks! I mean this isn't a character analyzing thing you know. Its a diary and I'm sure the person who's writing it is mainly, writing it for herself and then for others. So you can't really expect page long entries about what they like, what they don't, what their personality is like blah blah blah. Feelings and impressions... that's what the damn diary is there to record. And if there's stuff you wake up one day and learn about yourself, that's obviously the high point of that day's entry. The whole diary doesn't need to be one BIG description of yourself. And I really don't want to get my blog reviewed by people who I don't know, who don't know me, who don't know what the hell I'm talking about and finally, who don't know anything about the blog. I think it makes sense to get your sites reviewed on the basis of design and layout but definitely not your blog. What matters is what you feel about your blog. Say some guy popped up and said that he didn't like the contents in your diary for some reason only known to himself, would you turn around and say all nicely, "Oh, I didn't realize that. Could you give me some suggestions on how I can improve it?" No right. You'd probably tell him to keep his nose out of your business or tell him straight out that you'd write the way you liked so sucks to him! Well, atleast I learnt one thing about myself today. I'm not letting any diary reviewer write about my blog. Does that prove I'm arrogant? Nope... I don't think so. I think that proves how highly intelligent I am. ^_^

2002-04-22T06:22:00.000-07:00

Mood: Pensive
Listening to: Shadows In Silence by Enigma
Thinking about: Not completing my resolutions
Wishing for: A nuclear attack on the school so we don't have any tests tomorrow.

Well, the weekend's over... actually Monday's over too. But even though today was a holiday, I didn't get a head-start on my resolutions. I DID finish part of History and my Maths homework, but then I haven't started Geography and Physics, and there CAN be a test on them tomorrow. I am so busted. And this is the tenth goddamnit! And I guess that's why I can't study this much. And I know there's still time but I just can't make up my mind. I have to also FIND a piece for the Hindi elocutions, let alone practicing it. As for the fantasy story, that's going to remain a fantasy for some time. I haven't even started thinking of a plot. I know resolutions and promises are meant to be broken, but this is dumb. Junky's getting her dad to search for Hindi prose pieces and then I'll have to learn it up. Darn this world!

So, shifting the topic to nicer stuff, like my button, I had to go about this entire round-about way for getting it to show up. I had to do it through Yahoo! Photos. I hope it shows up now. *crosses her fingers* So you could say this is a kind of test entry. I saw Family Ties again today and I'm really starting to like it. no matter what anyone says, I think Michael J. Fox is really sweet and the youngest daughter in the family... she's totally hilarious. My mom said I was like her when I was young. *grins* I like the idea. You know what the sad thing about Indians is? Hardly any Indian teenagers have a site on the net which is really sad. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that not everyone has unlimited internet access like me and Junky but still... there should be a few. So that's why I don't have many people to link me or people to link back to. And I'm still so worried about the button. Was anyone else intelligent enough to get the irony? ^_^

I don't have much to post today because like I said, I'm not extremely proud of myself today. *sighs* Oh well, I guess it happens. There's a rumour floating around that school might close early because of the heat. I hope its true!! Though it really doesn't make much of a difference. I'm going to Orissa anyway. Now, I'm actually starting to get excited about it again.

2002-04-21T07:40:00.000-07:00

Mood: Bouncey
Listening to: Principles of Lust by Enigma
Thinking about: WHY the button isn't showing up
Wanting to: Murder the people who run Geocities

So after all this time, Lia made the BESTEST button ever and I can't see it. Stupid Geocities... and its not like I've exceeded my bandwith or anything. I hardly have anything on my account. I haven't even started building half the pages. But somehow, the thing isn't working sometimes. But yes, I'm still feeling pretty bouncey and you know why? Because that button SO rocks. And I know I've said this so many times already, but I'll say it again. All those guys who make free graphics are the best. If I could, I'd take a trip around the world and hug all of them. ^_^ No poems today but I was on this blog and I read this account of a girl who desperately wanted love. And I know this would have made me change my views on love, but surprisingly it did. This girl didn't talk about the magical feeling or the butterflies-thumping-in-your-stomach thing. She said that everytime she saw two people hugging or kissing, she felt jealous. And that's really what I think love is all about. I know this is a very rational view of something that people say is so irrational but I can't help it... that's what I think. I think all people need is companionship because man was really not meant to be solitary. All of us are desperate not to be alone and we just need this person to hold our hand, hug us, make us laugh, make us cry and so on. We want to feel emotions and so we love. Sex is just an added attraction because face it... its an animal thing and we're descendants of animals. And I'm sure all that I've written is actually what everybody else thinks so I'm not feeling like a philosopher anyways. ^_^

I saw Aankhen today and I feel SO happy. Its not everyday that a VERY good Hindi fillum shows up and Aankhen was really good. It was about three blind men being trained by a not-so-psychologically-stable guy to rob a bank. That way the blind men would have the perfect alibi because no one would be able to suspect them. And there are loads of twists in the story and the ending of the movie rocks. And the best part is, I don't think its been copied from an English movie. Anyways, everybody needs to go watch it yourself because Akshay Kumar actually can act and Paresh Rawal was funny as usual and Amitabh was pretty freaky.

QUESTIONS
1. LIVING ARRANGEMENT: I LOVE MY HOUSE! *ahem* Its in this campus which has trees planted everywhere (something hard to come by in India). ts like a penthouse... pretty big. And the worst part is, except my room, the house looks SLIGHTLY empty. My room's TOTALLY filled and cluttered up with all kinds of stuff.
2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? I'm reading quite a lot of them simultaneously which I always do. I mean its like I need one book in bed, one book to while away the time in the toilet ^_^, one book to give me a break from studies and one more that I can read when I'm not in a very intelligent mood. The book I read in bed is E=mc2 (that should have been the square thing but I don't know how to do it) by David Bodanis. Its like a biography of the equation... not of Einstein and its HIGHLY interesting. The one I'm reading in the toilet is Catcher in the Rye (for the ninth time). The break-from-studies book is The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand and the not-so-intelligent-moody--book is Chronicles of Narnia. I've already read this when I was a kid but its a book I don't really need to employ my intelligence in. Then there's another book I'm TOTALLY engrossed in right now and that's Amitav Ghosh's (Indian author) The Glass Palace. WOW!! Huge list!
3. FAVORITE BOARD GAME? Scotland Yard
4. FAVORITE MAGAZINE? I don't read a lot of magazines and I HATE teen magazines but that's what I end up reading anyways. ^_^
5. FAVORITE SMELLS? Wet mud (the smell that's there when there's rain and the entire place is wet) and fresh bread.
6. Least FAVORITE SMELL? The rose smell (It makes me sick) and all strong perfumes (they give me a headache)
7. FAVORITE SOUNDS? There's a hill-bird that comes here sometimes. I don't know what its called but it sings fabulously. Then there's the sound of the fiddle which I love too.
8. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? Feeling unwanted
9. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? If its a school day - I REALLY want to bunk school today and if its the weekend, I wake up only when I want to, so the first thing I think about is - What's for breakfast?
10. HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? If I'm watching something interesting on TV, I let it ring. They'll call back. (Its because of this that my parents are thinking of geting an answering machine - something not very common in India).
11. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME? Ack! You think about that??
12. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE? Friendship and individuality.
13. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? CHOCOLATE!! *points to her blog title* Duh! Which kind of dweeb likes vanilla?
14. DO YOU DRIVE FAST? *sighs* Somehow in suburbs, people get their first vehicles when they're 16. And I still have so many months to go.
15. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? Nope... gave that up when I was six. Its too hot to sleep with furry creatures anyway.
16. STORMS - COOL OR SCARY? SO COOL!! I love the sound of thunder and lightning and the sound of the rain hitting the windows. Though sometimes they're irritating because I need to shut down the computer immediately.
17. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? Well, India's different people. We usually need to start earning and then buy our own cars.
18. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? And I would know because I'm the legal age right? Wait... does wine count? No right?
19. YOUR ZODIAC SIGN? Virgo
20. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? Broccoli?? Why would I want to eat something as healthy as that?
21. IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR, WHAT WOULD YOU CHOOSE? Something totally out of the ordinary. No, I'd probably dye it very dark blue with somewhat bright blue highlights.
22. GLASS - HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL? If there's chocolate mousse in it, HALF EMPTY!
23. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? What a dumb question! How do you think I'm answering this survey?
24. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? 13... that's my birthdate and I did these LONG calculations to find out what my lucky number is and it came to 13 then too.
25. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Probably basketball or tennis. Anything BUT cricket. Its like this rage here and its actually the most boring game ever.
26. SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS. Genny... she has a totally herself way of doing things and sheisn't easily intimidated. And she's one of the nicest people I know!! ^_^ Yes, that's three. SO WHAT? Shoot me!
27. WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED? Nothing in the daytime, but I'm sure a few monsters materialize in the night-time. I couldn't be sure because I obviously don't look under it in the night. What do you think I am? DUMB?
28. TOILET PAPER/PAPER TOWELS - OVER OR UNDER? Over
29. OF ALL THE PEOPLE YOU EMAIL THIS TO, WHO'S MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Well, Genny, Kas and Christina already did theirs, so I'd say Junky. ^_^
30. LEAST LIKELY? Genny, Kas and Christina... DUH!!!

Nice ne? I'll probably create my own survey too. Its fun. I know I didn't post for two days, but I have a reason. Day before yesterday was Xandox's birthday celebration and yesterday we went out for dinner. Xandox's birthday is on the 26th actually... she just celebrated it earlier. The one thing I hate about Xandox's party is that her dad shows up and starts filming us all. And I do NOT like having my continuously-falling and being-dumb acts filmed. And half the time I didn't even realize it. And Xandox's dad is pretty intelligent. He had his back to us so we were all just doing crazy stuff because we thought that we weren't being filmed and then someone noticed the mirror. So yes, we had all our tumbling acts recorded. Sheesh! What's with the filming anyways? Junky says she didn't feel very comfortable in the party so she tried to remain incospicuous. There's something about Junky in parties. In school, she usually doesn't care but in parties, she suddenly goes all stiff. I really don't understand it. Actually I do, because I'm usually extremely stiff in those parties where I don't know anyone. But that can't have been the case with Junky because we were all friends at the party. I don't feel like psychoanalyzing now, so I'm just going to let it be. Oh also, I learnt to use a chopstick!! I feel SO accomplished.

And I think I need to stop now because I need to find a stupid host that'll host the link button image. Damn Geocities!

2002-04-19T07:54:00.000-07:00

Mood: Singing
Listening to: Love Makes You Feel Ten Times Tall by Velvet Underground
Thinking about: The poetry I'm reading
Wanting to: Shift the computer into my room (There's an AC there. ^_^)

You know its weird sometimes when you're dying for something the previous day and then dying to NOT get that something the next day. I think my direst wish yesterday was for Ma to give me permission to go to the Dukes Camp. And guess what? She said totally, she gave me the money, I submitted the money and then I had second thoughts. In fact, the second thoughts took over so bad that I kept following the teacher in charge of the Dukes thing and asking her to give me my money back. But I should have known that once this stupid school gets its hands on money, there's no way its going to let it go. The Carmel sisters do nothing but drain us of money day in and day out and then say its going for charity. Yeah! Probbably 20 % of it goes for charity and the rest goes into their bank account. But no, back to what I was saying. So, then the teacher (noticed the italics?) said that nothing doing and basically screamed and totally embarassed us in front of about three other teachers. So, I didn't get my money back and now I need to go in this heat and half the people aren't going anyway. YAARGH! Sometimes I hate our school. But maybe this entire thing won't be wasted after all. Before the camp, I'm going to come up with a 101 ways to make Bullu's (the teacher's) life misreable... everything from putting dead cockroaches in her bed to feeding her egg shells in her food. She won't escape my venegance. *dangerous look*

Xandox is celebrating her birthday tomorrow and Junky, Dalila and me are going to buy her presents tomorrow too. I know, we wait for the last minute but hey! We get the present right? I'll probably buy Trish's present tomorrow too. Baba gave me the money so I'm happy. I mean you never know when he decides that I need to pay for it out of my own pocket. And if he'd done it this time, I'd have had to buy them presents with 30 bucks because that's all I have left and that's not possible. *sighs* I have so much money problems but I guess everybody has that... except maybe Bill Gates and the Sultan of watchamacallit? Well anyways, this world is too money-oriented. We're all turning into blopdy capitalists. I'm not saying that's bad but I'd say things were more peaceful in the prehistoric times... hunting, eating, singing, dancing. No studies, no school, no stressful jobs, no pollution. But then again, there was no internet, no TV... I think we're stuck in a two way situation here. ^_^

So I found this blog which is basically a collection of poems. I think they're originals but I can't be too sure. I decided to post some of the poems that I really liked here. Also, if you want to see the entire collection, go here.

Transform

I’m crawling...I’m ugly
I could be squashed in a minute
I’m scared so I’ll hide
Myself for awhile
I’ll sleep softly

I can’t sleep anymore
What is this feeling?
I can’t stay here in my own prison
Let me free
Free me slowly or I’ll snap
My wings are weak from lack of use
I’m fragile, but I can do this alone
I don’t need your help
I’ll gain my own strength back

One wing , then the other
Slowly, carefully, this hurts
This feeling is so unfamiliar
Where did these wings come from?
This is beautiful; I have colors
What is this...I’m free?
Can I fly?
I’ll spread my wings and try
How did this change come about?

Why am I not the same?
How did I become such a beauty?
I’ll never be crawling again
My wings will now carry me
The world is unfolding slowly

A Butterfly

Free, colorful, spirited, fast, quiet
Fragile, transforming, orange, yellow
Red, blue, green, indigo, voilet, white
Briliant, fading, unspoken
It her own environment, yet everything is her enivironment
Small droplets of sunkissed flavor
Sticky remnants of a flower's relationship with the sun
Uncertain, random, whispering, gentle, calm
Free, ever changing, colorful, personal
Pixels, powder, dust of color
Where can I be safe?
Where can I really be free?
Where can I be what I ultimately should be?
What is my purpose?
Blurred images of giant people,
The sun, the clouds, flowers
Bees sparkle and fade
Rain, white light
Cars hitting me, impact, dirt, gravel
Darkness

Apathy

she is always alone
never alone
in herself and out of herself
like a revolving door
can't decide if the world she lives in
is faded or if the world outside is real
or if the heart she owns is true to her
or if the world around just abuses it
leave her alone
always alone never alone
to be in her own desperate world

Sagacious Thoughts

The world’s momentum is like the Pied Piper
charming it’s people to their doom unaware.
All is the same from day to day.
The gravity of the earth sends us spinning
so we never know where we came from
or where we are going.
Sometimes I feel ensnared by the chaos.
It lures me in the like the Sirens.
But I want to be flung,
out and away,
into another orbit, so I can have a chance to live.

Innocence

Right and wrong
What is that song?
I’ve heard of it
And do not know
The difference between
White and black
Or good and evil
Of pain and pleasure
I can not discern
I’m caught in a cleft
In a rock of souls
Free me slowly
Or I’ll snap
My wings are weak from un-use
Free me slowly
Or I’ll fall
Catch me at the bottom
I’ll be there soon

People Pleaser

So many insecurities are hidden behind the glass
Look past the reflections and see the truth
Search deeper, you’ll see
She’s not the person she pretends to be
It’s only a reflection you see
Like a chameleon she blends in
She is who you want her to be
Not herself, ever changing
For you and popularity

What I liked about her poems was that they were so simple and still so true. And I really admire the way she's expressed her feelings so exactly on paper. I mean I never thought I could write poetry, but I guess what we need to learn is that we can't write poetry if we think of it as poetry. I feel that poetry is nothing but words strung together which should make sense to you first and then others. And its not hard to write poetry if you can think for yourself and if you can put what you think on paper. I guess that's something I need to learn. ^_^

2002-04-18T09:16:00.000-07:00

Mood: Irritated
Listening to: Winter by Tori Amos
Chatting with: Enigma
Thinking about: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Direst wish: Ma lets me go to the Dukes camp *fingers crossed*

She'll be arriving at around 10:00. She'll probably tell me to askt he sir whether he'll agree to delay the exam for me, but the problem is I need to give them the money by tomorrow. I'm so darn unlucky. Well, nothing much I can do. And I'm pretty bugged with Who Wants To Be A Princess anyway.I know I am in no position to judge them and everything but its so dumb! Taking part in a contest to win the hand of a prince. What happened to feminism buddy? I mean is this where we've landed up now? Trying to look beautiful and act all sophisticated and stuff so we can get to be the guest of honour at some dumb party. Phooey. And these guys actually do it... they all seem pretty smart and intelligent women. I really don't understand the female race. They're shouting out slogans and taking part in rallies to promote feminism and then they're taking part in contests that actually promote low self-esteem. And you know what's more irritating. That I actually watched the entire program and I enjoyed it. Sometimes I don't understand me.

I think I finally understood how you change the layout of a blog. But I'll have to experiment a bit first before I actually change this template. I don't really want to lose anything you know. I've filled in quite a lot of entries by now. And that reminds me. I requested a button for this blog a while back from the Frozen Dreams site. I think its been a week. I hope Lia decides to make it or I'll have to search for another graphics request accepting site. I know its dumb how I get others to do this stuff for me when I should do it myself, but I don't really think what I make is going to be too good. I mean all have is Microsoft Paint where the image quality is bad, there's no scope for animation and the end product is a grainy looking picture. I like good-looking stuff and since its beyond me to make that sort of stuff with my software, I turn to others. Maybe sometime later after my boards are over, I could start trying to do this stuff on my own. Its probably going to turn out pathetic for a while, but then I'll learn right?

I read this really cool forwarded story yesterday which was touching in a strange sort of a way. It was about this girl, Jenny, who moved into a new house and new town. On the first day, she went to school, she managed to make some friends and also got a date. Her date was a star of the basketball team and since he was cool and popular, Jenny thought that that way, she could get popular too. But she had a problem. Her parents thought she was too young to date. So she had to lie to them saying that she was going to spend the evening with her friends. Then she went out on the date on which she pictured a pizza, a party and a moonlight ride. She had the pizza and attended a party but the moonlight ride didn't work out right. Jeff, her date, was too drunk and there was an accident. Everything Jenny heard was a blue but when she woke up, she was in a hospital room where a nurse was looking down at her with sad eyes. She told her that Jeff had died and that even though they'd tried their best, it looked like she would die too. She was also told that the people in the other car they'd crashed with had died. Jenny prayed asking God to forgive her for all she'd done. But she'd only wanted to have one night of fun. She begged the nurse to tell the people in the other car's families that she was extremely sorry and to tell her mom and dad that she was sorry she had lied and it was because of her that those people were dead. The nurse however didn't promise anything, she only looked down at her with tears in her eyes. When Jenny died, the nurse was holding her hand. A man asked the nurse why she hadn't promised to do as the girl had said. Then the nurse looked up sadly and told him that the people in the other car were her mom and dad.

2002-04-17T08:40:00.000-07:00

Mood: Full
Listening to: Would You Be Happier by The Corrs
Chatting with: Windbag (ANOTHER code-name. Aren't you proud of me? ^_^)
Aggravated about: The dumb dates the Dukescamp is on
Thinking about: Looking around for new books
Current resolutions: To catch up with my studies and finish a story by the weekend

The mouse is driving me nuts. Its not what one would call a normal mouse. Its obviously a weapon of the dark lord. It conks out at all the wrong times, its hard to rotate it, it ends up getting banged more and more and basically, its a big pain. My parents are definitely not going to buy a new mouse coz' they think my brother and me brought it on ourselves and since they don't use this computer, they aren't bothered. But I AM!! I can't work on this computer. Like right now, only this window is working. Otherwise the entire system seems to be on standby. *sighs* What did I do to deserve this kind of punishment?

I'm totally in love with Laundry Service. I love almost all the songs. In two words, Shakira ROCKS!! Oh and LAUNCH - Yahoo! is the coolest. I'm totally hooked to their radio stations. I'm thinking of doing some of those painful surveys on the net soon because I'm pretty bored. Oh and for once, I'm totally full. I had two dosas and two bars of chocolate right now. My stomach is definitely happy with me. My friends went and gave my name for that stupid Albert Memorial Creative Writing contest thing being held in school. I mean... YAARGH!! If it was actually a creative writing competition, I'd be more than happy to take part... I'd love it. BUT we just need to write this dumb essay that has nothing creative about it. They're essays you need to have done some research on. I mean, look at the topics... Genetic Engineering, Developments in Space Technology... phooey! Well, I know it sounds dumb but I'm not doing any sort of research because I don't even know the topics. These were last year's topics. So, I'll just walk in there and write utter rubbish and head out.

And as for creative writing *points up*, you read my resolution. I plan to stick to it. *determined look* Ma's coming back tomorrow so I'll be able to ask her about the Duke's thing then. *crosses her fingers* I hope the dumb sir agrees to take my exam later. Xandox is going to celebrate her birthday on Saturday. Nice of her. When I asked Trish what gift she'd like, she said she'd like a Tolkien book. I almost passed out. I mean does anyone know how much those things cost? Especially after the movie? Prices must have been quadrupled or something. Anyways, Junky suggested that we buy The Hobbit for her together. But Ithink that's going to be really expensive too. So we'll probably end up buying her chimes. Now we come to Xandox. I have NO idea what to get her. Everybody else has decided and I can't get a poster for her AGAIN. Her room has no place for anymore posters anymore anyways. So, I'll have to come up with a brilliant idea in her case too. And people say I don't give my creative side too much exercise. Hah! If only they knew. ^_^

Because of that stupid cricket match, I can't watch Sanjeevni today. I HATE all cricketers. If they want to play, let them. No one's asking them to make such a big presentation of it you know. And spoil everybody else's life. I don't even get to see the cute guy which is why I see Sanjeevni in the first place... apart from the fact that I'm interested in how much is copied from Chicago Hope. And I didn't get to see the last part of Ally McBeal when it was just getting interesting. I've had a sucky TV day overall. And the one movie I half-saw, Meet Prince Charming was cute but it made one extremely cynical. School was pretty okay I guess... it wasn't as fun as yesterday. Morphine got specs!! I love teasing her about them but truthfully, she looks pretty cool in them... not cute or anything which is good.

2002-04-16T08:55:00.000-07:00

Mood: Groggy
Listening to: Eyes Like Yours by Shakira
Chatting with: Ishani, Vidhi and Kayleena
Thinking about: Joining a few online communities
Current obsession: This blog. ^_^

So, we didn't have out Maths test today because we had the voting and the counting. *cheers loudly then coughs* And yes, the entire business gave me a sore throat because you will not believe how much I shouted out there. Anyways, Surabhi became the SPL and Pooja became the President. YAY!! Oh and today was really fun because I got to scream at the juniors for making so much noise and I got to help get everybody settled. I mean seriously! I LOVE being a minister. Its so much fun! Oh and just for the record, my resolution went for a toss. But I think this time I had a good reason... two Agatha Christe books I haven't read yet. *sighs* I know... excuses, all excuses. But, the weekend's coming and I plan to try to catch up on the stuff that I'm TOTALLY out of... like Chemistry and Physics (shouldn't take long) and most of the other subjects. ^_^ English... BAH! I have a test tomorrow and I plan to read the chapters on the way to school. I am so totally irresponsible, I know but somehow I don't seem to care. Well, yes I do, because 've been cluttering up my blog with all these resolutions that I'm not keeping anyways.

Oh well. ND lent me Laundry Service... AT LAST!! I'm broke so I don't have money to buy the cassette right now so I'll probably record it and then why I have money, maybe buy it. I don't know. I'm still confused as to what to give Trish and Xandox for their birthdays. I mean so DUMB!! Having two birthdays in the same month. I'm not Bill Gates you know... I have this fixed allowance and my parents and me have this deal... that I need to buy presents for everybody out of that. And its a monthly allowance so I'll probably have to ask them for an advance or something. So pathetic. And as for the Orissa camp, *sighs* I have no idea what to do. I'll have to talk things over with Ma when she comes home. That's on Thursday and then, I'll have to beg the guy to shift the test ahead or something. And he probably won't agree... dumb jerk as he is. And you know what I just realized. Even though I don't have any guy problems, I get a lot of the other kind. I want to go to the camp and Xandox is being totally nice about it... she's probably going to prepone the party which is SOOOO nice of her. But, I have no idea what Ma's going to say. I really, REALLY want to go. And I also want my award. I mean, hey! Xandox put so much effort forging the signatures. ^_^ Oh and its funny. I mean usually, its like unheard of to forge other people's dumb signatures, but then when it comes to Duke, no one has any misgivings. I don't think anyone actually takes it seriously.

Also, if I leave Convent after the 10th which I plan to, I won't be enrolling in the Silver and Gold schemes so I really want the Bronze award. I mean, its an AWARD!! And I love awards. Love 'em. And I'm also looking around for a few online communities... not the RPG kind. Communities. There's one called Rivendell which I'm on right now and it sounds good except its slightly web designer oriented and I don't have the software for that stuff. I'll probably have to go find something else that's totally writer-oriented. There's the famous Elfwood which I might join when I start compiling all my stories. And I need to start work on fantasy which is seriously what I probably do the best. I don't really have a very realistic view when I'm writing stories. YAY!! And my blog entry for today is done. Now what do I do? I guess, I'd better look around some more.

2002-04-15T09:26:00.000-07:00

Mood: Geeky
Listening to: Blurry by Puddle of Mud
Chatting with: *surprised look* How come no one's online?
Thinking about: My mind's blank right now
Current obession: Laundry Service - the album.

I didn't have a lot of time on the Net yesterday but I'd written out my entire entry anyways but then the Net crashed so I couldn't post it. Oh well... I don't think many people read this anyway, so it isn't really a matter of life and death. I simply HATE the Interact Club. I just don't fit in somehow and since none of my nicer friends are part of the club except Randy, I had a simply horrible time today at the darn Installation Ceremony. And what I hate most is being on the Board of Directors which is why I can't even quit the stupid club. And this day is just one of the worst ever. The Dukes are going to Orissa for about four days and it HAD to be during the time when I have my singing exam and Xandox's birthday. I have mixed feelings about this. I don't give a damn about the exam because I'm really not into the entire practicing-classical-music thing. But I don't want to miss Xandox's birthday and neither do I want to miss the trip which should be LOTS of fun. I mean I had loads of fun in Susunia even though it was a two-day thing. So I'm stuck and I really can't take a decision without consulting my parents who are probably going to tell me to ditch the trip or ask them to postpone the exam. Big help they'd be!

Junky's dad asked her whether she'd like to go to Rishi Valley after her boards. She's unsure and she doesn't really want to go leaving us behind. I feel flattered. ^_^ I wish my parents decide to send me to Rishi Valley. Fat chance! I'm probably going to be stuck in Jamshedpur when I really, really want to go to a boarding school after the 10th. Oh well... not my luck I guess. As for college, I really want to go abroad and I know that to do that, I'll need to work EXTRA hard to get atleast a 90% scholarship. But I'm one lazy bum. I'll really need to get off my ass and start slogging. Tomorrow I have two tests and one assignment to submit. I haven't started studying for the tests and I haven't started the assignment. I'm pathetic. Now I'll have to get up at 4:00 in the morning and work on my homework. ^.^ And from tomorrow onwards, I'm really going to start working. And I know I've said that about a million times before but this time I mean it. After I cut down on the Net by quitting the RPG, I've got addicted to TV. No improvement. But starting tomorrow, there's going to be a BIG one. *stout look*

Tomorrow we have the elections for SPL and President. You know what's funny. A few of the candidates actually don't want to be elected as the SPL because then they wouldn't get admission in any other school. Its supposed to be this unwritten law that the SPL needs to continue in the original school. That is so dumb because people should continue only if they want to. What's the good of forcing anyone? Anyways, a lot of people are transferring and I'm probably going to do so too. I don't care what people say... SHC isn't really a very good school after the 10th. Most of the teachers are excellent so academics-wise its really good up till the 10th. After that, you NEED to have more stuff happening. Our school hasn't even got a newspaper for heavens sake. The principal is totally out of everything and she gives all the importance to studies. And this isn't even military school. We can't have fun unless we think of ways to do so ourselves which is so irritating. But I love spending time at the school anyways. I get too bored during the holidays. ^_^

Oh on a happier note, Nadeshiko made my button. And what was best about it was that I changed the details about three times but Nadeshiko still made it. *hugs tightly* I love all these guys!! I think I mentioned this somewhere before, but here it is again. I'll probably start a fan-page dedicated to all those who design layouts because they're so nice. I found a few more classy layouts today which I might use for some of my other pages. I wish I had better graphics software so I could design my own graphics but all I have is Paint and all my graphics really look very grainy on it and I can't add any special effects. Oh I forgot! I had my Hindi test today and it went okay I guess. I couldn't finish the last part of the last answer though. *pouts* Anyway, like I said. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to really start working hard. *grins* See... this is why I feel geeky.

2002-04-13T04:37:00.000-07:00

Mood: Slightly depressed
Listening to: Hotel California by The Eagles
Chatting with: Xandox (on the phone)
Thinking about: Cruelty to students

I'm serious about the cruelty to students thing. The school should be sued for this... and the Government too for allowing the schools to inflict such torture on us innocent kids. We have EIGHT tests next week and since this is the 10th... ALL are supposedly very important. What is with the adults? Weren't they ever kids? Or is this revenge time for them? All the teachers seem to be very happy bludgering us with tests. And no, if you're thinking this is why I'm depressed. I don't let tests get me down. I just get mad at them and start studying anyways. I'm just generally depressed and I just wish I'd stayed out of Beldih yesterday. Nothing happened... like there were no big scenes or tears or any of that melodramatic crap. I just had a shitty time and surprisingly, the person who managed to cheer me up a bit was Xandox. The others didn't seem to care and I guess that's what depressed me more. I think Dalila and Junky, especially Dalila, don't really know me too well. I think they think of me as a person who really doesn't mind anything... and who is not too sensitive. But I am. I'm a Virgo for crying out loud. Its just that I'm usually the cheery and joking around person, so no one takes me too seriously. My parents both know how sensitive I am because I'm really very honest about my feelings around them. But its weird about my friends. I usually enjoy being with them but sometimes I'm like, are they really my friends? Because they don't really know the first thing about me. Maybe I'm being dumb but stuff like this really gets me down.

Since its a Saturday, I'm going to do some serious work on my web page. Its pretty empty now. I really don't feel like starting the Friends section now *grins ruefully*. So I'll probably get the Family section done by tonight. Blame my parents for not buying a scanner, but the point is, we don't have one. So, I'll probably be using anime pictures like Junky suggested. This is going to be tough. So, Coke [V] Popstars finally chose the final five. Three of them were totally fine... I thought they deserved to win. One of the other two was a really good singer (she sung Black Velvet really well) but she didn't really seem like one of the people who had the attitude. But the one I had a big problem with was the last one. She didn't really have a very strong voice. She might have had attitude but oh well... I really wanted Umang to win. She had so much attitude and she sung really well too. And the way she laughed and joked when Sandeep said she'd been refused was so cool. You could make out that she felt bad but then she didn't let it cloud anyone else's spirits which was so cool. She really deserved to win. I know its mean but I'm hoping the last girl drops out and Umang's selected instead. I'm so dumb. I don't even know these people and I'm rambling on about them. I guess I'm too depressed to talk about personal stuff.

I'm going to get over this... I hope soon because I'm feeling extremely lethargic and I simply can't get myself to read a book which is seriously the biggest crisis since the day the fridge was totally empty. And mom's gone again. Its getting too monotonous and I'm starting to miss her sometimes. I'm in a lousy mood and everything basically sucks. I have a bad headache and I haven't done anything worth writing to the newspaper about today. I don't even know why I'm writing all this down. What I don't understand is if there's a God, why can't he just say - "Okay, things are lousy right now, but they'll get better." Isn't that God's job? To reassure a few people?

2002-04-12T06:02:00.000-07:00

Mood: Hungry
Listening to: Whenever Wherever by Shakira
Chatting with: Ishani, Tegan and Shea
Thinking about: CHOCOLATE!
Current Obsession: Collecting campaign badges

Everybody in our school has this obsession with campaign badges right now and I'm not far behind. I LOVE those things, though yeah... the pins keep poking me all the time. >_< The campaign badges are there because our school is holding the annual elections and canvassing fever is on! Most of us are busy the entire day pinning up the different symbol badges EVERYWHERE on our uniforms. And why I like the badges is because it livens up our stupid, boring, drab school uniform. We have all these strict rules and everything in school... like we can't wear jewellery or make up (I don't want to but its still a rule and I hate rules), so everybody's basically jumping at the badges. ^_^ And you know what the funny thing is? Its four days away from elections and I have NO idea who to vote for.

In the spirit of the true chocoholic, I checked out some chocolatey sites on the net. One of them had such fabulous quotes and I need to put a few of them in. ^_^ I mean they really explained why I became a chocoholic in the first place... something I've been dying to figure out. I mean yes, the main reason was that CHOCOLATE ROCKS!! But well, I needed a few other reasons too.

"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces" -- Judith Viorst
"There's nothing better than a good friend, except a good friend with CHOCOLATE!" -- Linda Grayson, "The Pickwick Papers"
"EMERGENCY ALERT: If wearer of this shirt is found vacant, listless, or depressed, ADMINISTER CHOCOLATE IMMEDIATELY!" -- Seen on a T-shirt
"I could give up chocolate but I'm not a quitter" -- Unknown
"In the beginning, the Lord created chocolate, and he saw that it was good. Then he separated the light from the dark, and it was better" -- A Chocoholic's version of the beginning of the Holy Bible
"Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done" -- Unknown
"Simply put... everyone has a price, mine is chocolate!" -- Unknown

Nice ne? I loved them. Talking about love, I really feel its just an illusion. And I'm not saying this because I haven't been in a relationship yet and I don't know anything about it. I'm basing my belief on what all lovers say. That there's someone out there for you. What I don't understand is how people manage to find the love of their lives mostly in the same city and in other times, in the same country. I mean, how come a woman in America isn't destined to fall in love with a tribal in Africa? Ever thought about it? I really feel that love is nothing more than a need for companionship and you end up falling in "love" with the first person who you have something in common with and whom you enjoy talking to. I don't really think there's anything like true love. Oh crap! why am I getting muddled with all this. Oh perfect place to add in another quote. "Forget love - I'd rather fall in chocolate!" Heh heh... love this one.

Have to go to Beldih in half an hour. Beldih's become like our favourite hang-out. even though we meet in school and all, we're usually too busy to seriously talk. In Beldih we have about three hours of yackity-yak to catch up with. ^_^ I mean, who the hell watches the movie anyways!

2002-04-11T09:36:00.000-07:00

Mood: Sleepy
Listening to: Light My Fire by The Doors
Chatting with: Too sleepy and bored to chat
Thinking about: How I pick up a lot of ideas
Direst wish: To be more original

I mean it! I think I'm really losing my originality. It wasn't like this when I was younger but now I'm getting to be more and more like a dumb sponge soaking up different ideas. Its not like I'm against different views or anything... its just that I think I'm losing my views in the process and that's scary. I mean the person I care most about is me. I know it sounds egoistic but its true and I really don't want to lose myself like this. Maybe I'm just being paranoid but I really think this is what's happening. Yesterday night, I stayed up till 1:00 or something thinking about this. It really scares the shit out of me.

Junky says that she's finally got over her despressive stage. Though I don't think so. since the depression gets to her at night, maybe it will today too. I don't know. Depression is something I really don't understand. I mean, when I'm depressed, I can never figure out why. I just keep having this dumb feeling that nothing's really worthwhile anymore and no one would even care if I died the next day. And that really gets me down. I'm a pretty happy person otherwise. I don't have any guy problems and study problems don't bother me. I used to have a few problems with my mom a while back but these days, we're pretty careful around each other. She doesn't give me LONG lectures about how I should start thinking about my future and I try my best to keep my cupboard clean. I can't keep my room clean and I guess my mom's given up on that one. ^_^ Though I just KNOW she'll start with the career-crap soon. Maybe she's right but I really don't understand why I should be the one to think about all this crap. Jamshedpur's a pretty small town and I just know that all my classmates aren't really thinking about all this either. Though a few told me that their moms have been on their backs about the very same thing. Jeez! What is WITH parents? They're always so paranoid. And I know they're right... which just makes things worse. ^.^

I think its time I took a few more of those Net quizzes. It might be totally inaccurate but its fun. And its good to get to know a bit more about yourselves. Face it! There has to be SOME truth in the entire thing. And you know what I realized, none of my direst wishes has come true yet. I wonder why. ^_^ Though I think this one has a chance. It shouldn't be too difficult to keep myself myself... should it?

2002-04-10T09:28:00.000-07:00

Mood: Accomplished
Listening to: Age of Loneliness by Enigma
Chatting with: Enigma, Ishani and Kayleena
Thinking about: How a few Indian movies are SO dumb
Direst wish: Let someone drop a nuclear bomb on the school... once its been evacuated of course. ^_^

Like I said, some Indian movies are so not Indian. Take K3G for instance. The dumb abbreviation they picked shows you that this movie is as westernized as they get. Its supposed to be about Indian values but in the end, its just another love story where the father begs his son to forgive him. PHOOEY! And more than anything else, you noticed the styling in the film.Western clothes, places, cars, night-clubs... so Indian value-istic. I mean I'm not condemning jeans or anything. Sheesh! I can't LIVE without my jeans. What I mean is WHY was all the emphasis given on the glittering clothes and cars and night-clubs? They were all so flashy and none of the characters even seemed real. And believe it or not - this movie was one of the biggest hits in India. To me it was the worst movie EVER. I decided that as soon as I saw the supposedly hep Kareena with her shortening her movie-name Pooja to Poo. POO!! What's the world coming to? That sounds like a teddy bear!!

Don't mind me. I love ranting about such stuff. But you're right! Why waste my time with such a dumb movie!! So let's talk about something else. COFFEE!! I disagree with the equation coffee=energizer. I tried it when I was staying awake late at night cramming for my exams and it almost killed me. It was so goddamn bitter and I almost choked on it. So that was half-an-hour of precious study time wasted. And it didn't really get me awake either. All that kept me going was the fact that I was going to flunk if I didn't keep going. Coffee!! It helped as much as a knife helps a wound.

I've been surfing quite a lot of blogs lately and all of them give a daily account of what they did. I can't do this for two reasons. I don't remember all I did and I don't live such an exciting life anyways for one and for two, I think its extremely boring. I'd probably fall asleep typing. By the way, my computer is REALLY primitive now. It keeps conking out at the wrong times and its irritating. Like I'd written out my entire entry for this blog a while back but then the program got terminated so I had to start all over again. And I really am not the most patient person in the world. >_<

2002-04-09T09:22:00.000-07:00

Mood: SO HAPPY!
Listening to: In The End by Linkin Park
Thinking about: Death
Chatting with: Ishani and Nandita

Well, the book whatever its shortcomings got me thinking about death. I mean who knows, I might be struck down tomorrow but I don't know if I'll be sad. I mean yeah, I will be in a way coz' I haven't done so many things yet. I haven't become the richest person in the world, I haven't been on International TV, I've been to only about 5 countries except for India and I haven't read Anna Karenina yet. So yeah... I have a lot to live for. ^_^ But does all this really make a difference? I mean I die one day. How does what I've achieved really make a difference? I mean, for heavens sake, we don't even know where we're headed after death. In India, we believe in rebirth. I for one like the idea. I mean, I like living. It has its ups and downs but overall, its something. I'm not too keen on strumming a harp all my life OR rotting in Hell (whichever) if what the Christians believe is true. I know some of you are like -"Hmmm... what if you're reborn as a pig." But seriously, how do we know pigs don't have fun? They get to play in mud without their parents nagging at them and even though they get their heads chopped off pretty soon, they've still lived. I'm very confused about death right now and I'm also extremely curious. I really want to know what its like and what happens to us... the inner us. Oh and I don't know if I mentioned this but I want to die an interesting death. I don't want to die when I'm old and sick. I don't want to die painfully OR normally.

Okay, enough of morbid stuff. Though I don't think death is morbid. Its a curiosity. Anyways, anyone wondering why I'm SO HAPPY?? You won't believe it! I thought no one visited my journal or anything and I was SO wrong. This guy just e-mailed me asking if we could blog together. *grins happily* ^_^ Unfortunately, I had to say no because this is really a private journal, but I was SO flattered. The guy actually thought it was worth joining. That mail made my day. ^_^

ALSO, I think its high time I resumed work on my page. I've just made three pages and that's it. So, my entries per day will probably become entry (LONG one) per day. Oh! Oh! I forgot! Nothing's decided yet but we might just go to Nepal for the Duke's expedition. WOOHOO!! *runs about the place hyper* And I'm also slightly wobbly-headed right now >_< so I'm going to bed. ^o^ *yawns* I'm going to bed. Good night!

2002-04-09T06:02:00.000-07:00

Mood: Indifferent
Listening to: Underneath your clothes by Shakira
Thinking about: The book Thirteen
Obsessed with: The cute guy in Sanjeevni ^_^
Chatting with: Too busy to chat

So I read Thirteen today. I've been SO out of touch with teen-horror that it took a while for me to actually understand how people could write such dumb, not-in-the-least-bit-scary, totally bogus and throwing-in-the-dustbin kind of stories. I mean horror to me has always meant Edgar Allan Poe. Not horror exactly, but thrillers and mystery. I couldn't stand the tripe there was in Thirteen. And written by supposedly good teen authors too - Christopher Pike and RL Stine among many. Utter bull shit! For one it was gory, for two it was totally impossible and for three, it sounded like someone was trying to thrust your hand into cold spaggheti and say in what they think is a creepy voice - "These are human guts." Who the hell is going to fall for that? ^.^ I REALLY think that if you want to scare someone, you should relate incidents that people think are untrue but they can't prove it. And then that doubt creeps in and you catch yourself asking - "What if its true?" That's scary... not some stupid story about vampires which makes you purse up your lips and go - "Yeah this is possible... when elephants were pants."

I really needed to get that out coz' I felt so dumb having wasted my time on such crap. I read every story hoping they would get better but no. But hold on. There was one story which was worth reading. The Boy Next Door by Ellen E. White. That had a very cool twist at the end and that was the only story worth reading. Xandox was absent today and we were all so worried. I mean this is Xandox we're talking about. Last year, she came to school for three days when she was burning up with fever. And today, she was absent. That was scary! But turns out she's fine now. She'd got a headache, cramps and she was basically sick. -_-

Mom came back today so I guess I'll start studying now. Good thing too... I haven't been doing my homework for quite some time now. Okay, gotta go. CHOCOLATE AWAITS!! *runs arms outstretched towards the fridge*

2002-04-08T08:45:00.000-07:00

Mood: Awake
Listening to: Velvet Underground [Weiß Kreuz Theme]
Thinking about: My unproductive day
Wanting: To live this day again
Chatting with: Enigma and Randy

Well, I quit the Hogwarts Our Way RPG today. Its hard for a lot of people to understand why but for me it was the only sensible thing to do. I've been on the RPG for about two years now and I was the Headmistress and everything. Some people were like how could you quit when you were Headmistress? But I'm pretty clear on that point. The RPG was taking a lot of my time and when I laid off a bit, things got boring. It was taking over my life and once I managed to get over the addiction, it wasn't that interesting for me any longer. I made a lot of really good friends there and you can't believe how sad I am to be quitting now. I hope they aren't going to be really mad at me. *sighs* But I'm pretty sure they are.

Anyways, *desperately tries to take her mind off the RPG* since I've been using some cute icons that belong to another site, I thought I should mention the link here. Its Deadjournal. The site is a journal site that in their words hosts journals that nobody else wants to see, or even host. DEFINITELY worth a visit because they're right. "Not all journals are apple pie or fruitcakes." Hey! Question- is my journal like apple-pie? *makes a wry face* I'm totally like Morphine here - I hate sweet fruit-cakey stuff.

I didn't study one bit today. I keep making all these resolutions that I will but they never seem to work out. Okay, tomorrow... NEW DAY!! Will stick to my resolution. Why does a part of my mind tell me that this is totally impossible? *sighs* By the way, I was reading Junky's blog today. She hates it sometimes when we crib about our moms in front of her. If I haven't mentioned it before, let me mention it now. Junky's mom died of breast cancer when she [Junky] was around 10 years old. She coped with it pretty well and I think what helped her along were the people who acted naturally with her and did not lay on the sappy and sympathizing crap. Well anyways, I thought about it and she's right in a way. But also, I think we need to crib about parents to live a normal life. ^.^ And its really tough for teens to not crib... its this thing we have I guess.

Morphine's obsessed with Cheekoo. What's with the crush thing? I have absolutely NO idea. I'm just one under-developed twit I guess but I don't know. It complicates things though Morphine is pretty cool about it. Right now she has a crush on three people simultaneously. When am I going to get at least one? I mean I'm almost 16 and I haven't got even ONE crush!! What is wrong with me? Actually nothing. I don't give a damn what other people think! I'm FINE with not having my life complicated by some two-faced, dumb, can't-tell-his-socks-from-his-gloves, inferior guy. I'm totally happy with Chichiri even though he is an anime character. He's way better than any guy I know.

So, loads of cribbing right? ^_^ Hey did anyone notice that I'm posting two entries each day? Woah! I am so addicted. Oh and everybody, I tried out the entire Cadbury Temptations brand and here's what I think. Old Jamaica rules. And since I'm the best-est chocolate reviewer around, you'd better listen to me. o_0

2002-04-08T03:54:00.000-07:00

Mood: Sleepy
Listening to: Its My Life by Bon Jovi
Looking for: Blog webrings
Afraid of: Life ending
Direst wish: Let the AC be installed by today

Well folks, its another hot day in the sunny (darn right it is!) town of Jamshedpur. I'm just brushing up on my radio announcing skills. God knows! I might have to do that someday. Blogger drove me crazy yesterday. Its usually so nice and co-operative but yesterday the goddamn page just wouldn't load!! Well, anyways, here I am today and oh yeah... I decided to put in my really important views ^_^ on homosexuality today.

*begins typing feverishly* I don't know which page it was but I was on it anyways and this girl had ranted on about how homosexuals were making a mistake. They shouldn't be despised but someone should tell them that they were making a mistake. Phooey in my opinion! I know a lot of people say that they're totally cool with homosexuality but still say ewwww... when they come face to face with it. But people, I'm TOTALLY cool with it. In fact, I think it is just what the world needs. Startled? ^.^ Okay, I'll explain. Firstly, I think that in prehistoric times, men were attracted to men and women were attracted to women. But then some intelligent guys must have stepped in and said, "Okay! We NEED to reproduce. Or the high-and-mighty, supreme, egotistical, weird human race will die out." So then the entire practice of man-woman started. But now that's all changed and there are loads of homosexuals in the world. And now I come to WHY I think the world is totally benefited by this.

It cuts down on expenses. Think about it. You can share clothes, make-up, shoes... just about anything!! ^_^

It cuts down on the world's population. And this is just what we need right now. I was waching this program on BBC which totally freaked me out. It said that in every 4 seconds a person dies and in every 1 second a child is born. So unless we're planning to settle down inn Venus, we'll need to do something about it. PLUS, India should have more people who if they're homosexuals, admit it. We're the second most poulated country in the world. SHEESH!

It takes one to know one. Think about it... don't people of the same sex understand you best?

I have loads of other reasons but I can't think of them right now. I got this quote on the net. Its kinda dumb but I guess it'll have to do. ^_^
"I don't think homosexuality is a choice. Society forces you to think it's a choice, but in fact, it's in one's nature. The choice is whether one expresses one's nature truthfully or spends the rest of one's life lying about it." - Marlo Thomas

2002-04-07T05:13:00.000-07:00

Feeling: HOT! The temperature must be more than 50 degrees in the shade!!
Listening to: You're Still The One by Shania Twain
Thinking of: The unifinished homework *sighs*
Craving: CHOCOLATES!! ^_^

You won't believe it! I took these assortment of tests and I got weird results in most of the cases. So I spent my time gawking at the results totally taken aback. 0.o But oh well... they're probably not accurate anyways. Oh and I'm also scouting around for some blogger webrings to join and oh yes, I asked Keruri Graphics to make the button for the blog. I hope she does. *crosses her fingers*. Anyways, the test results like I promised: ^_^

Moulin Rouge Character Test: Guess who? TOLOUSE!! I liked him the ebst too! ^_^ So quoting their words - "You are Toulouse, a child of the bohemian revolution. You have a rich sense of humor and a sharp mind. You never pass up an opportunity to create mischief and rouse the bohemian spirit." WOOHOO!! Question is, how different is the Bohemian spirit from the Indian spirit. *ponders loud*

Cartoon Character Test: This one was scary! TWEETY! I'm supposedly cute, and everyone loves me. I am a best friend that no one takes the chance of losing. I never hurt feelings and seldom have my own feelings hurt. Life is a breeze.I am witty, and calm most of the time. *snorts in disbelief* Yeah right! Life is a breeze! There isn't even the slightest chance of a breeze blowing here. It H-O-T!

Fellowship of the Ring Character Test: I took one test before this and I was really happy because I got Legolas. But, this test seems more accurate and *sighs* I'm not Legolas supposedly. I'm BOROMIR!! Heh heh... shocked? well, I was in the beginning but now I'm starting to see some similarities. Boromir was a great warrior but he did succumb to temptation. I thought about it and yes, I would have been tempted too. ^.^

Inner Rock Star Test: THIS was the shocker! I still can't get over it. I had to lie down for a while to recover and there's NO way I'm believing this! According to bloody Emode, my inner rock star is BRITNEY SPEARS!! *growls ferociously at the one who made up this test* Oh and its so not accurate coz' they asked me questions like are you sleeping or partying at 11:30 in the night and one was do you live with your parents? Well, OF COURSE I DO!! ^o^ I mean, I'm a kid. This test is so definitely for older people so I'm not going to get bothered by some stupid darn know-all who cooks up such dumb tests which includes Britney Spears who isn't even a rock star! *huffs in exasperation*

So, now I'm done ranting I'm going to go work on other parts of the net. I think I'm already getting as addicted to this blog as I am to chocolate. I mean, I haven't had chocolate for an hour now. Mirackes will never cease! ^_^

2002-04-07T03:15:00.000-07:00

Mood: Lethargic
Listening to: Hotel California by The Eagles
Afraid of: The net conking out again
Craving: Always working net connection
Thinking of: The TWO tests on Monday and the homework *ACK!*
Direst Wish: Someone shoot Britney Spears

Well, who said I need to have the same headings everytime. I added my one very important wish this time. *sighs in frustration* Why doesn't somebody just do it? I'm too young to buy a gun. Once I'm 18, Britney Spears better look out for herself. *begins thinking of evil plans* Oh and talking of evil plans, what I'm going to do to Britney is NOTHING compared to what I'm going to do to the guys who run the freakin' connection. My net connection just conked out yesterday night and I had to go to sleep! And that too when my parents weren't in town. *growls, then calms herself down* Anyway, I promised you the update on all the tests. I'm not putting in any images because they look dumb! Just the headings and the results. ^.^

Inner Dragon Quiz: A Blue Dragon Lies Beneath! I have a supple attitude and I'm a water elemental dragon with steam breath as my weapon. *MWUAUAUAHA!* Watch out common mortals! I'm supposedly a good 30 feet in length and I can materialize out of any body of water however small. The element of surprise is on my side. Element of surprise and limited magical capabilities are mine. *maniacal laugh* My favorable attributes supposedly are the sunset, Autumn, water, compassion, peace, forgiveness, love, intuition, and calmness. Naturally, I pity the fool who'd try and prove that calmness part, he'd probably wind up being scalded. *evil grin*

Personality Disorder Test: I scored high on Narcissistic on this. *smiles* Narcissistic people are those who are totally full of themselves and they're self-centered and attention-grabbing. Hmmm... well, I am but not really. I mean I bring in the egotistic comments just for the heck of it if you get what I mean. Morphine on the other hand (who scored high on BOTH Histrionic and Narcissistic) IS totally full of herself. ^_^ Well, maybe I am too. After all, I have enough reason to. Oh! Oh! there it is again. The egotistic comment. Wow! This thing is really true. ^o^

Personality Test: Guess what I got? ^_^ I'm a LETHAL WEAPON!! According to the guys at Emode, my personality is actually determined by two personality sub-types — my primary, or dominant sub-type, and my secondary sub-type. Since I'm a Lethal Weapon, I am a Seeker / Thinker. Cool ne? That means I'm open-minded, enthusiastic, and popular. I might even break the rules sometimes. I'm motivated and serious, and I always jump at the chance to take on a new project. Innovation and abstract thinking are my strengths. WOOHOO!! ^o^

Heh heh... I love all these tests. These were the normal ones. Now I'm going to look for a few comparison ones... like which song from Moulin Rouge matches me best or what food am I most like. Oh and its so darn hot here, I'm sweating like a pig. Not that I'd know what a pig sweats like but you get the point. This guy's been working on installing the AC since yesterday and still no luck. It feels like I'm roasting in blasted Hell! I mean, I'm not even dead yet.

2002-04-06T10:05:00.000-08:00

Mood: Content *pats her stomach fondly*
Craving: Pizza
Afraid of: Time running out
Listening to: My December by Linkin' Park
Chatting to: Enigma & Shea
Thinking of: Turtle leaving
Feeling: Sarcastic

Confused? Well, I decided to add that stuff in. I've seen it being done in a lot of blogs and I liked the idea. Call me a copy cat, like I care! So, I'M BACK!! Two bars of chocolate later, the chocolatey portion of one stomach is not trying to tell me anything for once. So, now in my content but reflective mood, let me give everybody the details of what happened today. Nothing much. Uneventful day even though the house was left to me, Frolicking and PB. I went out around 6:30 and since it was Turtle's last day here we talked and talked and talked, then had a dosa and a coke. It was fun! I really found out a lot about him and that's why I gave him the name Turtle. Two of my other friends went home after the coke session and Turtle, Junky and me were left. I mean of course there were about 2-3 kids who always hang around Turtle but they didn't interrupt much. ^_^

Something Turtle said earlier popped up into my head and then me and Junky played the word game with him. You know say a word and say the first thing that pops into your head. Turtle had said earlier that money was all-important to him but I worked in a lot of words where he could have said money but he didn't. He said stuff like ocean (in answer to vast), trees (in answer to green) and entry (in answer to door). I would have said escape to door. ^_~ Well, it wasn't hard to get that he was optimistic but I observed him for a while and I suddenly popped up with you're like a turtle. Which he is. He has this way of just retreating into himself suddenly that's really strange. I've only seen Xandox do that till now. And like a turtle cautiously pokes his head out, he does that too. He'll open up slowly. This entire study of different people is getting extremely interesting for me somehow. ^o^ When I met Turtle, he didn't strike me as very interesting but now once I've talked for quite some time with him, I'm getting a clearer picture of him. He's very shy around girls... I noticed that too. WOAH!! I notice a lot of things!! I SO totally rule. ^_^

Oh and Shea asked me why I didn't use the plain emoticons like the smileys and everything. Well its coz' anime emoticons are so much cuter and more expressive. Talking of anime, I think I'm going to start reading up on Neon Genesis Evangelion. Its supposed to be slightly different and more darker kind of anime no da! ^o^ Chichiri is SO cute! His face keeps popping out at me suddenly. And I keep falling for him more and more. Gone are the days of Brendan Fehr! I don't find him that cool anymore. I think what's most appealing about Chichiri is the total nice-ness with the sadness hidden behind a wall that no one can penetrate. I'm going to do this entire character sketch on him and that's going to be tough. Its harder going into characters drawn on paper you know. Though I think I'm losing my grip on reality. Not yet in that stage where I need to be rushed to the hospital or anything but just slightly giving up on real life and chasing the life on TV. But I think everybody does that so nothing unusual about me! ^_^

I'm going to post a few minutes later with a collection of results on tests I'm taking on the net. NO DA!! ^_~

2002-04-06T08:40:00.000-08:00

TA-DA!! I finally managed to set up my blog. this is actually my third one... its not that I couldn't understand it. In the first one, blogger wasn't letting me edit the post and the second one showed only one entry on the main page. AARGH!! Needless to say I was goddamn frustrated. But I'm happy now coz' its finally done. I have the house totally to myself. I mean yeah... there's PB (my painful brother) and Frolicking but they don't interfere and they're not scary. ^_^ My dad's coming back tomorrow and mom's coming back on Tuesday. So tonight I'm going to do some serious net-work. Oh and don't get confused about the title. Like I explained, I'm potty over chocolates... especially the dark kind. ^o^

Speaking of which, I'm still hungry. I don't know how long my stomach can stand this sort of torture. I had pathetic, soggy vegetables for lunch and I just had sprouts. You call that FOOD?!? *makes a wry face, then scuttles off to the fridge desperately* NOTHING! *_* I'm going to die soon... I'm totally sure of it. And we have to memorize darn Antony's speech by Monday. So far I've learnt one line. This shouldn't take long. ^_^ No chocolates in the goddamn house!! I hate spending my own money but I guess now there's no help for it. I mean its a choice between life and money... *thinks hard* I choose life!

So, I'm ready to go to the shop. But before I go, lemme think. Did I do anything else today? Oh yeah. I surfed through some blog designs and I liked two or three. But they weren't the chocolatey type if you get what I mean. Oh and since I'm on the topic of layouts, I really wanted to say this. I think the guys who run the free graphics pages are the best! They don't do anything for themselves... they don't charge money, don't ask for gifts... nothing. Cool ne? *types feverishly* So here I'd like to give Nadeshiko a BIG hug even though she doesn't know me. ^_^ She designed the totally cool layout on my page and its the best. Once my boards are over, I'm going to start downloading graphics software off the net and make my own designs. I know I'll suck in the beginning but hey! Its me we're talking about here. I'll learn and then people will probably start begging me for my designs. *grins* I LOVE my fantasies!

Anyways, my stomach's rumbling and that part of it that keeps screaming - "I WANT CHOCOLATE!!" sounds pretty pissed off. So, a hurried sign off from the VERY cool and nice Kori. I'm so nice, I sometimes scare myself. ^_^ Okay, how many of you guessed I was partly quoting Hotohori? Be truthful here. (o)_(o)